am i going crazy?

well, i'm in one of those mood swings. those depressive states. i dunno.
wat triggered this?

well remembering my current financial state. and well maybe a bit of rachel.
agains i smsed if she managed to get to class and all. that was around 12.15pm
4hrs later then she replies with "just got home"
being the insecure paranoid person i am(being goodlooking and a gd bf does not help, i'll still be insecure and paranoid)asked where did she go. went to watch a movie, with her classmates. ok i guess there's nothing to worry. until i asked wat movie

kingdom of heaven

annoyed isnt the word. oh i dun have anything against the movie. its just that, i wanted to catch it with her. i cant recently. why? COZ I'M FUCKING BROKE. till monday that is. then i can start clearing all my debts. its depressing. i feel like crying again. then it hits me. i've been feeling shit for ages, even had that minor bout of not enjoying and lasting long in bed. i've been reading these articles on this disorder jacq has and its starting to make me worry if its infectious. earlier today a gd old fren from #starwars called, none other then one of my 'brother' val. asking if we're dressing up for epi3. told him should be, but i didnt organize the gatherings and whatnots anymore and gave him the organizer's number to check and liase with. that got me thinking. starwars is my life.
as much as i love it to bits, i never once ever had a dream where i could a jedi knight and all. but that aside, i consider myself the best fan of starwars, if not one of the best. why? well there's always wannabes and posers out there that think that actually having a collection of the toys mean that instantly they're great fans. or there's those who actually name their twins luke and leia. or weirdos who hold their hands out infront of sensored doorways and 'use the force' to open the door. i mean seriously, thats fucking bullshit. do these folks bother to read the novels and such? not really. its just the movies. does watching LOTR movies make u a die hard fan of them? no. u need to read the fucking books. hell there's even phd(i think) in tolkien or something. now that is wat i can a real fan. money can get u anything, toys and accessories. but do u have the same fervour to actually pick up their book and comics to read further?
anyway, the fact that i dun and didnt wanna organize anything about epi3 made me realise that something's amiss.

back when #starwars was still filled by the hardcore fans, frens who've i've made gd frens with irl as well, i organized almost every outing and event. i just dun have the heart for it anymore. its worrying me. well it was true that the last outing i organized for epi2 was the largest in #starwar's recorded history(40 odd ppl), and GV screwed things up for us(long story) but i dun understand my lack of enthusiasm for starwars anymore. i still love it, but my heart's not in it anymore.. maybe because the costs of having to get a costume worries me, but to this point? blah i dunno. is this wat ppl consider depression?

coz even when i got rachel, i was happy to a certain extent, but my problems always came back to haunt me, getting me into this depressive state. hell, i have a soccer game to play in 1.5hrs time, i'm looking forward to it, its the last game i'll ever play at the back of my office building with my collegues-cum-soccer-kakis, i should be enthusiastic and excited by it, but why am i not? i tell myself to snap out of it, but i cant. is something wrong with me? i noe that material wealth is important now, but this is ridiculous, i cant function properly.

i'm supposed to be looking forward to my free time before ns, happy about it, but again the money issue again, wat if i dun have enuf to last me till my ns pay? i dunno. my life's screwed. i dunno wat to say or do. even back home when i'm playing my maplestory. i love that game to bits and am entirely addicted to it. but i'm not moved to playing it as hardcore as before. sick of it? far from it, infact there's no other pc game that interests me as maple right now as well. and making me think about all this damn things is actually giving me a headache.

well at least jacq has her hospital food in IMH. wat do i have? tea/milo and biscuits. i get paid every 2 weeks. but few days after my pay, i go broke. dun ask me why. somehow i'm always 'duped' into lending jacq cash, which she doesnt return promptly. infact for the past half yr+. at most cash returned would be in the 20s 30s, but i lent her by the hundreds. and before the week of my pay ends, i'm already back on my biscuits and milo diet. i dun think my pauch went down, but i did notice that my upper and lower arm muscles, and my chest muscles have gone down drastically. maybe its just that i havent been exercising, who noes.

i feel terrible. i'm hungry. i cant let my parents noe. and they're wondering why i'm always protecting my fren(they didnt noe its jacq who's responsible for the starhub debt shit). coz if they knew, they'd flip, and i'll never hear the end of it. as much as how i have ever talked about not killing yourself, and face life and its problems like a man, this is too much even for me. seriously. look, i dun think your average man, has this kinda problems. this is really eating into me. and it doesnt make matters easier that in my whole family, not onli am i the oldest, but on my dad's side, i'm the oldest of all my cousins as well. which means...

I HAVE TO FUCKING PERFORM AND NOT LET ANYONE'S EXPECTION DOWN.

u watch movies and play games, about how the main char has a father who was the great person, pilot, soldier, etc, and they expect u to live up to his standard. its happening to me right now. i'm like living in my dad's shadow. he was the oldest in his family, and since his dad passed away when he was slightly younger than me(i think) he had to carry the whole burden himself. doesnt help that the fact that he has siblings u can count with 2 hands(almost) but being the oldest, the responsibility automatically goes to him. i have to salute my dad. he single-handed, brought everyone up(with his mum of coz), paid for his sibling's education, and his own(he went to poly, just imagine the costs) and still had to buy a new flat when the whole family had to move out of the kampong.

thats one of the reasons why i'm different from those malay stereotypes out there. i was brought up in a well-to-do family, with successful uncles and aunts. my dad made the difference, always sacrificing himself. and where is his eldest son now? fucked in heavy debts, not even helping out in the household. i'm really sorry dad, i wish i could tell u about my problems, but u just wont help. well literally u could, but i just wont hear the end of it.

man, all this is really making me melachony. however that damn word's spelt.

i wonder if any of u guys saw the movie, Alfie. if u did, i felt like how he felt in the end. thats right. granted i didnt fuck as many girls as he did, nor am i as close as looking as gd, but the scenario is so similar.

i cant bother rachel with all this. why? she'll just blast it back at me, telling me its all my fault for even letting money go to jacq. and she wants me to be financially independant of myself. at least she's understanding and caring enuf not to ask me to pay for her things and such. miss her so much. if i had money i could easily just go meet her after my soccer and hang out with her. but i cant, coz i'm broke.

on another note, i feel like a half-bred.
neither here nor there.
i suspect due to my malay heritage, indian blood and extensive mixing and socializing with chinese/non-malay frens.
like for eg, i dun have the crazy skill in soccer nor guitar that my purebred malay counterparts have, but i 90% of their crazy speed. in other words, i'm easily one of the fastest soccer players, but my skill and stamina lets me down and although i'm not so gd in guitars, i can pick up faster than most(dun have the heart to get much into it though) and not onli can i follow some songs by ear, but in the case of Guitar Freaks, i pick it up faster than my rachel.
then comes the indian part, i'm hairier than your usual malay, and when i sweat a LOT. which in turn means i would smell. once, my shirt doesnt smell of sweat anymore. it smelled more of ammonia. not very pleasing to me. hence i have to invest in deodrants and such. sigh. and due to my mixed blood heritage, if i didnt shave my facial hair for a month, i'd prolly be mistaken for oen of osama's men. of coz i'm blessed with sharp features, not so unsimilar from the north indianers. all this reminds me of those 'Bloodline Limit' thing in naruto, haha.

and due to my choosing and mixing of more chinese/non-malay frens, my mother tongue fails horribly. not like i bother or care, but it can be a tad irritating when i really need to converse in malay onli. and so is my malay culture thingy. i wont noe wat to do in traditional functions. it can be rather embarrassing.

anyway enuf of this. i'm getting off work soon, so in the mean time i'm gonna hype myself up for the game..

ps: i'm seriously considering of visiting a shrink