An end to a Fairy Tale

well, some more updates. more later i hope.
just woke up, preparing to attend my mum's cousin wedding.

i'm going nuts. that's all i can say.
nothing's helping.

i can't get her out of my head. she revolves around my world.
i'd do anything to get her back.. but it all just seems so futile..

apparently in a conversation with her.. the truth to the break up finally comes out
she hates my whining and compaining. and it so happens that i have a voice of a whiner..
she hates the fact that i always having financial issues. jacq if you're reading this, pls, i need that money back, and my starwars dvd. it's been 1yr + overdue
she hates that i'm too clingy, not independant and that she can't find the freedom to do the things she want.
lastly, the reason that hit me the most, and is still lingering my mind and forcing me to stay my hand.. if indeed there was someone out there that was the 'one' for her.. and he can't approach just because she's with me... then it'll be a loss for her. others may argue that she's only coming 21 and it's still a long way to go, but thing is, she would prolly be migrating out of the country at the age of 25, so there's not much time left..
and these are essentially the things that she had been putting up with since the start of the relationship and she feels that these are the things that i cannot change, hence telling me that the fault is hers, nothing to do with me.

at least i feel better knowing that she told me the truth. i'm not that hurt by it, i expect frank and honest feedback. and i would have prefered if she told me about this things much much earlier, coz i definately would have done something about it. those who have known me for a very long time, would remember that i was once full of ego and always full of horny/dirty jokes.. but somewhere along the line i ceased such things. why? because rachel told me how offending and put off such things were. and i constantly reminded myself about such things till the point where i really stopped being ego and stuff. she could have told me...

what am i to do now..
i know i shouldn't, but i can't help myself.. i'm dying for companionship. it didn't help when rachel was not only a significant half, but she was my best friend as well.. and losing her create such anbig empty space in my social life and heart..

anyway more tonight, have to go to the wedding now.. laters