Perfectionism, both my blessing and my bane...

Defunct and Derelict

2006-11-19T00:27:00.000+08:00

my life has gotten better now that my debts are cleared. the bitch hasn't been bugging me, but she still owes me quite a sum of money. sigh. anyway i won't be updating this blog anymore. at least i doubt so. coz i'll be busy updating my swordplay choreography group's website, Team SEJA.

since my vocation requires videography and photography on top of video editing, i've taken up photography as a new hobby. that is as and when i can practice it. you can find my photos down here.

last updates include me having quit my band, since i cannot dedicate any more of my time into music and guitar. i will be spending that time taking up various sword-related martial arts to improve my ability in that area for use in swordplay choreography.

i've taken down the music section of my blog, since i won't be updating it anymore. i suppose nearly 6mths of the same music would have driven fans who come here mad. and apparently something happened to tagboard.com. i've taken that down too.

future updates of my life, albeit in a business/professional point of view can be found at my swordplay choreography website, whose link u can find earlier in this post.

have a gd rest of the year. have a gd christmas. have a gd new year. and the other holidays and the like for the rest of your life.

May The Force Stay Blessed and Prosper
cheers

Sick

2006-06-12T21:57:00.000+08:00

Been a really hectic weekend.
ndp rehearsals.. swordplay practice for Sunday's event... then Sunday's event + mascoting stint...
argh.

I've finally decided to quit smoking. for good. It's been a week odd since I smoked and I'm very proud of myself.. thanks to those around me who have the heart to help me quit by not offering me cigs and etc.

fell sick, either it's the rain, the hectic weekend or the throat infection I'm having. or all of the above. had bad fever the day before but a couple of panadols helped a bit. When I went to work this morning, my throat seemed to get worst.. Went to see the MO at work this morning, the temperature they took from my ear was 38.6 degrees Celsius, but I heard that the thermometer that they put under your tongue is more accurate, and it measured 39.4. lol. but the doc onli gave me panadol, some tablets for flu, cough syrup, and anti-inflammatory lozenges. i was wondering where's the anti-biotics. oh well. i hope my immune system and the anti-inflammatory lozenges are enough.. he gave me 1 day mc and the next 2 days light duty. i'm like thinking, only 1 day? and what the hell am i supposed to do during light duty? i'm already doing office work. sheesh. maybe that means i'll be excused from any video/photo coverage if there was any. that's the onli thing i can think of..

on another note, seja is gaining prominence. infact I've gotten myself a lot of event and function deals with Movie Mania. but we still have a LOT of things to work out on. sigh. so much to do..

you folks are prolly sick of this current song i'm using. so i'm gonna change to something light hearted.

Samurai Drive by Hitomi

Kono mama tooku e ikou ka
Akogare datta kono tabiji
Mawarimichi ni saite ita akai hana ni yoishireru

Tachikomeru arashi no naka
Furimukeba ukabiagaru
NISEMONO datta bokutachi no aoi kodou

I don't know way of truth ga nan da kanaa
Ukiyobanare no ai wo komete

Itsumo sou sa risou no saki ni wa
Kibou dake ga hishimekiau Peaceful World
Shoudouteki na ai wo kakiwakete
Soshite boku wa yuku yo

Tachikomeru arashi no naka
Furimukeba ukabiagaru
KUSEMONO datta bokutachi no aoi honoo

I don't know way of truth ga nan da kanaa
Mizoremajiri no ai wo komete

Itsumo sou sa risou no saki ni wa
S.O.S. ga hishimekiau Discord
Bousou heki na yoru wo tsukinukete
Soshite boku wa yuku yo
Fugainai nante jibun wo semen'na
Ai subeki mon wa
Kyou no MERIIGOORAUNDO
Saishuuteki nya bokura-tte Dreamer!?
Tsugi no basho e
LIFE GOES ON

English Translation

Shall we keep on like this and drive far away
on this trip we've been looking forward to so long
taken by the sight of red flowers blooming on the detour

When we look back,
we see our faked youthful excitement,
floating amidst the storm.

I don't know the way of truth, what could it be?
with my cloistral love.

at the nexus of my ideals,
it's my hopes that always get packed in tight together
Peaceful World.
an impulsive love pushes through
and then I go on.

When we look back
we see our suspicious blue flame
floating amidst the storm

I don't know the way of truth, what could it be?
with my sleet-like love

at the nexus of my ideals
an SOS gets packed in tight together in Discord
cut through the delusional night
and I go.

don't blame yourself for being so unreliable
your true love is your present merry go round
in the end are we just Dreamers?
to the next place, LIFE GOES ON

SEJA @ SHATEC

2006-05-29T02:52:00.000+08:00

the event at SHATEC, we swordplayed to this soundtrack. file downloadable from seja website.
the actual track used was edited, first part was a 1min track for the non-duel kata, while the 2nd is around 2.45mins for the duel.

SEJA

2006-05-26T14:53:00.000+08:00

well, i'm sorry if i haven't updated my fans on what's been going on.. haha.
life is gd, my debts are 99% cleared. i'm feeling better already.
life in ns is better. office politics are almost gone, almost everyone is fine with me. cept for 1 asshole who a lot of ppl don't like. i don't think i need to mention any name. those who read my blog would already know who.

been busy with my swordplay team. and i'm finally making it official. my SEJA team had an event last nite. more details on the event over here at our website.

more videos coming up soon from the event.

possible communication problems

2006-03-29T01:28:00.000+08:00

ok my hp's lcd screen just died on me today. i can still receive smses, but i won't be able to read or reply(my inbox's full anyway so pls don't sms). i can still call, provided i remember your number. if there's anything important, pls pls, call me instead. need to get a spare phone fast..

2006-03-23T00:42:00.000+08:00

our best photo so far i think. at this rate, i might just turn into a cam whore since i recently acquired a new digi cam, hahahha

2006-03-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

more photos yay!

2006-03-20T02:22:00.000+08:00

here's the other. oh and i just noticed. on IE, the youtube video doesn't turn out properly even.. so no more videos on my blog.. for compability reasons.

2006-03-20T02:20:00.000+08:00

the new gf i was talking about recently... hehe. sorry if the photos are a bit blurry, apparently the cam focus was in the background. oh well, better photos next time folks! oh and youtube.com video doesn't seem to be working, so i uploaded the audio-only vers. enjoy!

Major updates

2006-03-19T11:46:00.000+08:00

well.. lotsa things has happened since i got my new pc.

i'll just summarize them.

i've got a new gf =D
who? well.. she's an old primary schmate whom i've been catching up with and hanging out with recently. she's really cute and bubbly. genki genki! but not to the severe end like Natsuki.. (those who know natsu will know what i mean.. lol =x)

a nice balance of everything i would say. no photos of her yet tho. soon.. hehe.

what else happened.. hmm. well i fell sick recently, lol. hei it's something major to me alright? considering i rarely fall sick. i visit the doc's like an average of twice a year? yea.. that's how healthy i am, haha. =x well i was diagnosed with high fever, 38.5 degree celsius. had some throat infection shit going on. but fever's gone, but my throat still feels screwed. it's getting better tho, not as painful as before..

will be involved with moviemania folks with some mascoting event next week, looking so forward to it! it'll either me darth maul or emperor haha.

band's been taking a break this whole march. should resume in april.

RT is finishing soon, next sat would be the last one.

i've been selected to march in the CD contigent for NDP. heh.

and as for the godsis, manda issue? well i tried asking her fren again on what's going on and still no reply, cept manda smsed me directly to 'stop haressing' her frens. and that she doesn't need to tell me what went wrong. asked me to leave them alone. said that if i hadn't been 'bugging' her fren, she wouldn't have smsed me directly. asked me to stop obsessing. later on her fren smsed me, saying she's sorry she hadn't replied and all.. and that it's best i hear the reason from manda herself.

wow. i mean really wow. i dunno what's going on. but if it's about putting your name on my blog and writing bout making out with you, then i'm sorry alright? if it's those feelings i wrote about, well it's just prolly just a little infatuation coz it's gone already. and if it's about crashing your sending off, then i'm really sorry too.

well that pretty much sums it up.

oh and i'm gonna post the next mtv from Tokyo Jihen, called Kenka Joutou. nowadays, if i can't find the related mtv of a song i wanna post, then i'll just revert back to audio only.. below are the lyrics. enjoy!

Kenka Joutou by Tokyo Jihen

Kocchi no kokorone hakarazu to, ittai dou iu goryouken
sou shita kenka wa temae kara, utteyari n'su joutou yo

Mate kora mada kotae wa kikecha inai no sa
araizarai hake koyoi wa joutouku nante tsuuyou shinai to omoe

I'm so angry with you, sorry.
You should concentrate on cheering me up.
But it's too late now, you've lost your chance, it's gone.
You never once realized how bad our dilemma had got.
Stop it, honey, cheeky!
Why can't you see it my way just this time?
Silence, naughty, fussy!
I am really sick of you.
And I hate you.

That's right you love me so much, don't you.
I should thank you for that, maybe.
But it's no use how what a giant waste of time.
Because i have never felt any weight in your words to me.
Shut up!!
Stop it, honey, snooty!
Why don't we just look at our bullshit then?
Iffy, crappy, scrappy!
You would be best off alone.
I am really sick of you.
And I hate you.

minor updates..

2006-03-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

well. i've done almost everything i can. still nothing from manda. so be it. sigh
i really would like some sort of closure, but even after what we've been thru, she can't even grant me this.. sad really..

well recently i earned myself 'extra' duty at work. coz i was caught sleeping. thing was, i wasn't sleeping. but the senior who complained and got me charged with an Extra, apparently he doesn't seem to like me very much. infact, i thought he was my friend.. he was asra's coursemate back in FSV @ NP. but whatever la. i've gone thru far worst than this before. anyway my extra duty was held just this past saturday. unlike in BRTC where weekend guard duty is 24hrs, here at SCDF HQ it is in 10hr shifts. was so happy. i thought it was 12hrs even at first. until i checked with the provost, and they told me 8am to 6pm. oh and i was charged with day time guard. didnt' do much. sat around in the air-conditioned guard room 90% of the time. the onli sucky thing was taking lunch orders from almost everyone who happened to OT over the weekend. otherwise i was just stoning and napping. haha.

oh and much earlier, like last sun, i help my mum choose a digicam. like finally we own a digital still camera! it's a 5.1megapixel cam from fujifilm, FinePix F460.. it was cheap, like around nearly $400. since we bought it at sim lim square, i managed to convince my mum to help buy some new pc parts for me, haha. at first i just wanted to get some ram, a new hdd, graphics card and dvd burner. but becase my system was old and all, the shop ppl didn't recommend i use it. coz newer gfx cards require more power. and the pc power supply i'm using is HP's which i've been using since late 99.. and it may not be sufficient to run the new gfx card w/o having intermittent problems.. in the end i manage to convince my mum to help buy more parts for a overhaul.

got myself a new
1.casing
2. motherboard and cpu, P4 2.4ghz
3. 512mb ram
4.GF6600LE
5.250gb SATA hdd
6. dvd-burner

yeah, haha... like finally!. now there's more space for me to put raw video, and a fast cpu to process photo and video. YES! hahaha now i can continue with my video editing hobby! YES! haha...

now onto girls.. still no luck. actually there's a few that i would consider dating.. but the main problem is that they're chinese... i'm having some slight phobia of dating chinese girls now..

well i gtg now. no time to change the music even. so very tired...

"it's like losing a friend" to manda

2006-02-28T22:44:00.000+08:00

well, i now for sure that i'm either being avoided or written off for gd.
i guess i was right concerning the vibes i was feeling, that manda was avoiding me the whole week before she went back. then the lack of interacting or talking to me during that day itself. and then her frens not replying to my smses. haven seen her on msn, so either she's actually busy, or i've been blocked. she moved her blog and didn't tell me about it. and she deleted me on frenster. not just removed me from my list, but the photo we took together from her profile as well. like wow. this is just about as much as i can take.

this would be the first. i've been combo-ed, and knowing her patterns(coz she tells me the things she does to avoid guys and stuff) she has dropped that same pattern on me. what i'm wondering is, why?

was it coz of what i wrote few entries ago? well, it's probably just infatuation, coz it's passing already. but i still do care for u as a fren, as i always had for all these years i've known u. and we've known each other for so long, why this now? is there something you're not telling me? you know how direct i am and stuffs, i don't think we have to resort to cloak and dagger just to get points across. just tell me. and be done with it. don't leave it hanging.

whatever it is, i want u to know that i've always treasured our friendship and closeness of you being like a sister i never had. and fact is, the bond became tighter when u came back this time round(before that night mind you). if u wanna severe ties or whatever, at least tell me in the face why. instead of whatever you're doing. you know i'm intelligent and understanding enough not to press on but the least u could do is some form of closure. but if this is how you want things to go.. so be it.. it's painful enough already as it is now. losing GFs is bad enough, but losing friends?

if you need to talk, you know where to find me..

This just in..

2006-02-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

SIGH. i just found out the hard truth... SHIINA RINGO IS ALREADY MARRIED AND HAS A KID ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

T___________________T

wtf. this is so fucking sad. what an end to my one sided love affair... SIGH

oh well, doesn't mean i won't stop loving her, her band and their music. seriously they're like so cool. went jamming just now and it was Salad who introduced me to them. and he let me listen to more of their songs. they really sound like something out the 50s man.. argh.

oh and in my blindness i actually forgot to summarize and update whatever that's been going on apparently. tsk tsk... lol =x

well sent manda off at the airport last sat. wasn't supposed to coz of her family members, and that none of her other guys frens were coming, so she was afraid her family members might get suspicious and etc. but i figured that, if i'm not gonna be seeing her for at LEAST the next 5yrs, i don't think such minute matters should matter? so i crashed it. drag a gd fren of mine, aron, along to stake out and crash the sending off, haha. she was surprised i came. turns out her family members didn't come, coz her newphew fell sick and decided to stay home and take care of him instead. mum knew i was sending a fren off at the airport, and she knew that i told her my fren won't be back in sg anytime soon. since my mum is like into a little side line business of hers, something to do with custom jewellery, she figured giving her a matching set of earrings + bracelet would be nice. i hope you like it manda ^^

hm, what else happened. can't seem to remember much, prolly just a normal boring day at work, working on the new video on recruits at the new BRTC. on thurs i went back there to film the recruits taking their 10km route march, soc and their POP, Passing Out Parade. since it's a new camp and stuff, the route march has also changed. the new BRTC is just beside CDA. oh and BRTC stands for Basic Rescue Training Camp and CDA is Civil Defense Academy, for the uninitiated. and these 2 camps are side by side, and they're just beside the CCK cemetry... HAHAHAHAH. so the route march takes place INSIDE the cemetry. fucking power. since i had to take footage of the recruits doing the route march, i went along with them lol =D. of coz since it's been eons since i did anything of that sort, halfway thru, i took the lorry back, which was carrying water for when the recruits rest at the water point. that was the onli highlight of the day. the passing out parade seemed normal enough, lol.

then came Salad's intro of Tokyo Jihen, which i'm so mad about now.. sigh. i asked my brother if their songs were easy to play. but he said it wasn't. i was thinking maybe it was the beat/tempo, but he said no. it was more of the scaling and jazz chords one would have to learn. even Salad, my drummer, isn't up to their drumming.. yet. well they're now my inspiration to play better... oh and finally we've managed to complete another song today. Every me, Every You by Placebo. i'm so happy, coz the last few songs we've chosen have been like, half way thru and all. sad really. it's been a gd day so far.. ^^

oh and before jamming, i actually met up with an old fren of mine. twins seperated at birth, brothers in arms, Alex aka Wraith. an old starwars buddy of mine, he's just like me, well almost. everything is in the same frequency. we're clique so well that sometimes we can just predict what each other's gonna say, lol. sigh. nice to have seen u again bro. we have to meet up again, and this time we must drag that other brother of ours, valentino.. hahhaa

sigh, i better sleep early, coz i've got another event to cover tmr @ cck, Lot1. some carnival thingy outside lot1. usually such events start around noon, and i volunteered for this assignment since it's held in the west as well. but thing was, after i volunteered, was i given the schedule, and it starts at 9am. WTF!? sigh. looks like i won't have any late waking ups this weekend.. (early wake up on sat morning due to weekly RT back at HQ) i guess i'll be sleeping after i go iron my uniform and prepare for tmr morning.. sigh

oh and still nothing new concerning girls. sad really. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. bleh

I think i'm in love..

2006-02-25T12:55:00.000+08:00

i've vowed not to fall for an older lady years back... but i just can't help it.. she's so cool.. she's so pretty... SHE FUCKING PLAYS THE GUITAR MUCH BETTER THAN I DO!!! sigh. unfortunately i'm sure they're a lot of other guys out there who's very much in love with her too...

enter Shiina Ringo, 28. Vocalist and guitarist from the jrock(is it even considered rock?) band, Tokyo Jihen. you might think me shallow, but if you knew me, i was never into the celebrity idolization shit before. the closest i can think of is probably kylie minogue. now she's hot too, but i think shiina's hotter. omg, she's like so hot when she's singing and playing that guitar of hers... T_T

their music is a mix of jazz and indie rock, and i've never heard anyone this gd for a long time. infact i've placed the band like, no.2 on my list of fav band. of coz kamelot still takes first place, no one can upsurp them from their throne/pedestal, etc. but these folks rock. and the way they dress in their videos.. gives u a feel of 50s, where mambo and the mafia were a common thing.. like straight out of a scene in The Mask. dammit.

ARGH SHE'S SO PRETTY OMG.

this sucks. infact i've never like, really liked any other jrock band like theirs.. anyway since i have yet to find their mp3s(hope to get their album soon, when i'm out of my... debts) i have no choice but to post their mtv out from youtube.com. i will post the lyrics in jap first, followed by the translated one. enjoy!

Sounan by Tokyo Jihen

kono hana ga saite kareru made kitto
futari ni ha noru mono mo miataranai
sekisai no gendo wo ayamaranai you ni
nozomu mama hanasu kyori
kobamu no wo yuruse yo
tsui ni kowashite chakujiten ninshikikonnan
'ochiteiku.'
kou yatte ima koko de
kaika suru kizutsukeai no kaiwa ga
yokunai tane wo fuyashite mata sodatteiku
aa mou dou ni demo narisou na jitai
kotae ni kizuite mo mada otagai
itoshii to kanjiteiru hijyousen
enjyo shite.

fuyu ga kirai to iu hieta te ha
tou ni erabarete todoku kyori
tsukamu no wo yuruse yo
issou kowashite minamo ga haruka zujyou he
'oboreru.'
kou yatte ima furimuki mo sezu
itsukushimiau koto jitai
abunai to ha wakatteite mo damatteiru
aa mou dou ni ka naru kamoshirenai
kotae ni kizuite mo mada otagai hohoemiau mahiru
akai neiru!
datte shinjitsu nado ni kyoumi ha nai...
gehin na shibai de teikoku
hakanai omoi wo masshiro ni kakushite oite
aa mou dou ni ka naru tochuu no jibun ga utomashii
sayounara
otagai nita kotae no hazu
'deatteshimattan da.'

Translated Lyrics

this flower blooms,
no doubt, we won't find a ride
until it wilts
forgive me for refusing to stay as far apart as you ask
so we don't go over the weight limit
at last destroy, a landing point, difficulty recognizing *1 'We're falling. ' like this, here and now the mutally damaging conversation opens
makes more bad seeds, and brings them up
ah, the matter is getting out of control
even if you realize the answer, still
we both are feeling attatched to the police cordon.
'help me.'

already chosen
freezing hands that hate the winter
within my reach
pardon me for grabbing them.
destroy one layer, the water's surface far above my head *2
'I'll drown.'
like this, unable to look back
even though I know
the act of loving each other
is in and of itself dangerous, I stay quiet
ah, maybe we can do something about that
even if you realize the answer,
we're still smiling at each other in the afternoon
red nails!
I mean, c'mon, I'm not interested in reality...
our vulgar play is flawless *3
I hid my fleeting feelings in snow white
ah, I hate the way I am,
when I'm in the midst of working something out
farewell
our answers should have looked the same
'we found each other.'

Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma

Translator's Notes: Sounan means Distress as in "The ship's distress signal" or "Mayday! Mayday!".

* 1 - Here Ringo is using some word play. The image she creates is of a plane going down, after it crashes the passengers are ishiki konnan. Here she uses ninshiki konnan.

* 2 - I think this line implies she fell through the ice and is at the bottom looking up.

* 3 - No idea. Takko cam eup with this theory that their vulgar act (their relationship) is so perfectly timed that it's like clockwork.

Lonely Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T22:19:00.000+08:00

sigh. can u believe it? single and alone on vday. eversince 2001.
feels really weird, haha. didn't really have a chance to like, go out with any girl even. sigh..

and many things have happened over this past weekend..
well, there was our usual weekly jam session, and then 2 birthday parties to attend after that, hahaha.

first was rachel's. her bday was is on the 15th of feb, but since it falls on a weekday, she decides to have it at a fren's pub on sat. well, it was fine until the saboh-ing started. flour and icing sugar were, 'thrown' at her, lol. oh and possibly some chocolate cake even. i was dressed to club, coz my godsis, manda, was gonna have her bday party at a club. they tried their best not to throw flour and what-nots at me too, coz apparently everyone was starting to get saboh-ed, not just the bday girl. and soon enough, my turn came. i was rather pissed off. but oh well, whatever. at least the dmg done wasn't that obvious, still can club, hahaha. and i just had a mug of beer that my gd fren, Peri, treated. left the place around... 12 odd i think, to meet manda and her frens.

they were at the bridge over singapore river behind Liang Court. manda brought a bottle of vodka, and some of them already were high, haha. manda, being the usual one who can't really hold her liquor, after downing just a bit of vodka, was really high, hahahaha. it was fun. but, thing was, even after a few cups of vodka, apparently i got really high too. i was so annoyed with myself. so little and i got high already. maybe it must be the mixture with just now's beer, and the fact i did down whatever vodka in a really short span of time, half an hr i think. went to Club Momo after that. music was crappy, kept switching from R&B to, well i dunno wtf they were playing. as usual i can't find the groove in the music, so i just moved to the bass beat. tsk.

then after all that went for supper at West Coast Park's mac. someone was driving, manda's fren's bf. after that me and manda checked into H81, lol. she was tired and wanted to crash somewhere, well me too la didn't really wanna go home. anyway i told my mum that i was attending a bday party at a chalet and staying over, so i can't just like go home that late. it was 5am by the time we hit H81 @ Chinatown. we had a make out session planned, but i didn't know the others weren't joining us in crashing at the hotel. well whatever. manda paid for an overnight one since transit would be a waste of money, but then transit wasn't available anymore to begin with. 5am check in, check out 12noon. well lotsa things happened, hahaha. and i'm not gonna go into detail of coz. *sticks tongue out* all i can say is we didn't really any get sleep, lol. u might be thinking we had sex, but no. all i'm gonna say is we covered all the bases cept the last one, heh. so go figure.

had 'breakfast' at BK @ pearl centre before going home together. sigh. what's bothering me right now is that, apparently i can't seem to stop thinking of her and missing her and all that. i dunno wtf all this means. i thought it was supposed to be some kind of emotional unattachment to it, but no. it's very irritating. it's amplified by the fact that she's going back to NZ this coming sat, and won't be back here for at least the next 5yrs.. gah. it's driving me nuts. i'm already imagine how much i'm gonna miss her company.. i'm already like predicting i might even cry at the airport, haha. i guess i've learnt that if i were ever to make out with someone i know, something might just stir inside me.. paid sex is a totally different thing mind u. sigh. i just hope it doesn't develop anymore. i can't afford this. it's like, suddenly, she became someone really special to me, lol. more than just a godsis. tsk. i mean i even started to chew that gum she bought for me from overseas just to have that sweet taste, to emulate the time when she 'passed' the gum to me while we were kissing, lol. and suddenly as well, the chocolate and the gum she got for me is much more preciously and valuable than it already was. ARGH.

oh and last nite met up with Anton, my ex-sup from that sword shop, Medieval Lions. apparently she got posted to Krumpler in KL and she's been working there eversince, coming back to sg once in a blue moon. miss her company so much.. we were so close, i even treated her like some big sister i never had.. brought manda along for the catch up session. had lotsa fun bitching and gossiping, hahahaha. sigh.. the gd old times.. man i'm really getting uber nostalgic.. sigh

oh well. works sucks as usual, office politics is driving me nuts. i'm so close to punching someone i hate at work. i'm so close to going up to my officer and ask for a transfer back to BRTC(Basic Rescue Training Camp, where recruits receive their basic training before getting posted out) and become an Instructor in my old company.. there seems to be an aura of dislike towards me which is starting to crack me up. tsk.. sigh.. leave me alone guys.. why must u hate me? i've done nothing wrong dammit..

well i've posted a new song too, since i'm feeling emo and all, i guess this song kinda suits what i'm feeling, i think. i can't be sure anymore at this point of time..

presenting Not Quite Paradise from Bliss 66. first came out in Titan A.E's OST. song was featured at the end of the show, at the start of the credits. really nice song.. and here's the lyrics.. enjoy..

Not Quite Paradise by Bliss 66

Take the path that leads to resistance
To the great unknown
No directory assistance
Now your on your own
But if you're looking for a new world
Just open up your eyes

Chorus:
Because it's not quite paradise
But it sure feels like home
Not quite paradise
We can rent to own
It'll be alright
No it's not quite
Paradise

Tomorrow's an illusion
Yesterday's a dream
Today is a absolution
But you gotta let it be
If your looking for the answer
It's right before your eyes

Although it's not quite paradise
It sure looks like home
Not quite paradise
We are not alone
It'll be alright
No it's not quite
Paradise

Somewhere from the edge of time
When the poets gather,
words don't rhyme
I'll call you up and say
we made it ok

Somewhere in the back of your mind
When will see your demons come to life
And the world just fades away
You know it's ok

But it's not quite paradise
But it sure feels like home
Not quite paradise
We can make this place our own
Not quite paradise
We can rent to own
Not quite paradise
We don't have to be alone
Not quite paradise
No No, No No, No No
Not quite paradise
But it sure feels like home

Going nuts slowly

2006-02-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

well, things are still at screwy.

ns seems better now, since that seargent clearing his leave/off before ORD. the one that's dislikes me and gives me problems and stuff. don't wanna get into that. anyway i'm falling asleep less often at work(thank god) and being more active, which i'm so proud of. hopefully i don't screw up anymore and get thrown into ROTA.

but the times when i really don't have anything to do, when all is quiet, my mind starts churning about my love life. then the memories of rachel start pouring back in. it's annoying. gd times spent and all. i can't believe i still think of her now. well only when my mind's not busy that is..

gah. anyway things are still screwy with saharah too. she's pissed at me for a lot of things. i don't have the energy to meet up with her and settle things. i just want to leave things alone for now... if you're reading this saharah, well i need time alone from u for now, and i want u to cool down too.

anyway on the topic of changing for the better. well i do tend to change, but usually for someone, and usually when that someone is someone special. yeah. otherwise i'll just do what i want to do now. and repent later. unless there's someone special to change for at this point of time la.

yeah. things are still the same. no girls chasing me. sigh. so sad.. lol =x

ps: sorry if i sound a bit dysfunctional. can't help feeling this way. can't think of anything positive to write anyway too.. yeah

False Hopes

2006-01-31T23:56:00.000+08:00

i've given myself too much false hopes. and saharah is just to comfy being with me, even tho she doesn't mean it in that way. and she doesn't seem to be able to stop thinking of her ex and all. we even had a little honesty arguement. saying something about how i'm not honest enough to tell her that it wasn't ok for her to be all close to me and all. the level of closeness we have is like a couple in a BGR. minus the hugs, kisses and 'i love you's.

when i finally told her what i thought after what she thought(which was to stop seeing each other too often and/or stop being too physically close to me) she thinks i wasn't honest enough to tell her back then, instead of waiting for her. tsk. and i made the mistake of telling her that i was gonna quietly distance myself from her.. which opened new grounds for arguement. the problem was that we were using each other. to keep each other company and stuff, and for me as someone to fill that emptiness in my heart even when she wasn't my gf.

haven't been talking to her eversince, which was last sat. she hasn't bothered to msg me either. sigh. and being alone these few days is starting to make me think about my past relationships.. and memories and thoughts of yunnie, surprisingly, are coming back.

not to mention last nite there was a ro melody(private ragnarok online server) outing which she came. i'm not sure if i have any of those feelings for her, but hell, i still do lust for her. didn't make it better when she wore that super short skirt of hers. tsk. seeing her again after so long made my heart skip a beat. didn't think this would happen to me but it did.

and today, found a way to screw a girl. don't ask me how when where and why. i just did. and yes i had to pay for it, tsk. will u stop asking now? sheesh.
anyway, she was slim and had A cuppers. didn't feel satisfied coz.. it felt really awkward. it's just coz she was too slim. didn't particularly make me horny enough it seems.. sigh. then it hit me, i guess i'm sexually attracted to slightly plump women.. not like those like jacqueline, but more to yunnie's size. i think i have a thing for those thunder thighs, and of coz those big boobies that usually come in those packages. sigh. i dunno what's gonna happen now.

i'm in need of female companionship.. anyone care to fill in the role? sigh

oh and as i've promised, new song. it's called Jisatsu Ganbou by Dué Le Quartz. it's a jrock song by a jrock band(duh). its a song that my band had been trying to get right for months, but it's just too much. funny how i didn't post this song up before.. yeah.. well enjoy anyways.

What will happen..

2006-01-05T21:30:00.000+08:00

well.. i'm sick of chasing skirts, as i've mentioned in my prev post. i didn't explain why i'm stopping being the pro-active one.

if i chase skirts, i'll be killing onli 1 bird with one stone. i won't have time to concentrate on anything else.

but if i just remain single, and wait for prospects and stuff to come, i'll be killing not just 2, but 3 birds with this one stone.

let me explain.

1. i'll be able to focus on my life goals and dreams and other more important priorities like settling debts and spending more time with my parents.
2. back when i was single before i met rachel, i kept getting rejected(yes! me, rejected! amazing huh?) by those i was chasing. but when i finally gave up and finally got used to being single, that's when rachel came into the picture. that might just happen again, i don't know.
3. well, even if no one else comes into the picture.. i'm willing to stay single and hope that saharah will get over her ex soon.. coz i still can't get her out of my head.. i forsee a bright and interesting future together..

yeah.. so that's what i'll be doing. in the meantime i'm gonna concentrate on going out less, spending less money, improving my guitar playing skills, etc...

not sure when the next update will be tho. and i will change music the next time round, i promise..

Yet once again, another turn of events!

2006-01-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

don't really have much time or mood to update, so all i wanna say is, this has been the shortest relationship ever.

4days.

apparently saharah has yet to get over her ex.. and she only realised it as we were holding hands and when i'm holding her waist.. she keeps thinking it's her ex instead of me..

so yeah.. i'm single again. sigh

whatever la. i can't be bothered anymore. waste my energy chasing skirts. i'm gonna just move on and wait. feel free to pick me up, coz i'm done doing that.

Another Turn of Events

2006-01-01T14:32:00.000+08:00

well i've given up on salvaging rachel if she's not interested at all in getting back with me. she even slept at a fren's place, quoting from that fren, just to spite me..

so you can do whatever you want, i'm not gonna be bothered with u anymore..

in other news..

happy new year folks, and belated merry christmas LOL. and lately i've been going out with a very old fren, who i've not met up with for years.. my ex..

and recently, at least from my side, eons old dormant feelings for her have started to surface yet once again.. if you folks were familiar with my list of gf, she is Saharah, my first serious gf back in sec sch..

and socializing and interacting with her recently has pretty much made me go mad..

so, in a bold move, i asked for a patch on just this past friday.. and hrs after the new year she agreed..
and she agreed in the most unorthrodox fashion.. in the cab back after the new year countdown she was sleeping on my shoulder and along the bumpy way, our hands found each other. at first i suspected that she was so sleepy that she didn't realize what she was doing.. but later on when she got home and msged me.. she told me that she had answered my qn just now..

haha. i'm not gonna fucking screw this one up. and contrary to whatever everyone would prolly think, there's no fucking way i'll sleep with this one.. she's far too conservative and all.. i mean when i revealed to her that i wasn't a virgin anymore.. she was shell shocked.. man i hope she doesn't find out that i drink now. oh and speaking of which, i doubt i will be drinking anymore haha.

life is starting to get better... ^^

on another note, before the countdown, she treated me to a movie and dinner @ Surf & Turf. of coz there were 2 of her old poly classmates with her, and she had promised to treat them to dinner as well..
dinner was awesome.. i think i'm still full from it, haha

the movie we all saw was Chronicles of Narnia. great movie, tho i wished that the fight scenes were longer. since it was based on a series of novels, i wish they will bring more of their novels to the big screen..

that is all for now i guess. i'm gonna change the song as well.

it's the 3rd bleach anime opening.
high and mighty color - ichirin no hana(you lone flower)

the lyrics are in jap, so i doubt posting it here would be of any use, haha. enjoy..

switch of music quality & the crazy thing i did

2005-12-20T00:38:00.000+08:00

ok folks, i've removed the mp3 vers, and put up the usual wma format. this time everyone should be able to see the player and stop the music or replay if necessary. previously with the mp3 format, the player wasn't there.

the mp3, although in stereo and higher bit rate, but the initial recording quality was really bad. so i made an effort to re-encode directly into wma, tho onli at 48kbps and mono, it sounds clearer in a way.

anyway about removing a certain someone from all the entries in my blog.. i will get to that soon.. i can't seem to find the time.

oh and a little update. about the crazy thing that i said i would do. since i had half day today, i went with rachel to this electronic store called Polwel located into the Cantonment Police HQ. it has special benefits from Police and CD NSF. you can get anything u want from there up to a total of $1k and they will give you a 1yr installment. and all one needed to pay was $12. $10 for administration, $2 for membership fees, a one time thing.

being the lovesick person i am, i did what others would think crazy. i got yunnie a Sony PSP together with a 1gb memory stick, lol =D. totalling $585. of coz this was not only just a christmas present for her, it was part of an elaborate plan to win her back, which even if it fails, would serve as make up for all the screw ups i've done in the relationship..

of coz that's not all i got. got a new microwave oven for my family. the old one died many months ago, and it's been hard w/o a microwave so i thought i'd do my bit for the family. and i got myself the latest mp3 discman from Sony. don't preach to me about mp3 players and such, i know both their advantages and disadvantages and i feel more comfortable with a mp3 discman. it rocks man, can't wait to try it tmr =D.

i should sleep soon.. hope i can do that maintainence thingy tmr nite... it's been dragging for far too long.. sorry i'm taking too long asra..

Only One

2005-12-19T02:09:00.000+08:00

as promised, lyrics to the current song posted. the page may take a while to load as the song was uploaded in its, relatively, higher quality stereo mp3 format. usually i'd go thru some trouble to make it 48kbit mono wma so that it's smaller, tho not necessarily worst quality, and of coz to prevent this blog from looking like some mp3 distributing site.

tmr i'm gonna be doing something, that to everyone, seem like something.. unheard of. it's something to do with rachel. more on that next post. now i have to sleep. it's 2.14am and i have to wake up around 6am to get to work lol. half day tmr.

without any further delays, i present Only One by Yellowcard

Only One

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

An end to a Fairy Tale

2005-12-18T12:27:00.000+08:00

well, some more updates. more later i hope.
just woke up, preparing to attend my mum's cousin wedding.

i'm going nuts. that's all i can say.
nothing's helping.

i can't get her out of my head. she revolves around my world.
i'd do anything to get her back.. but it all just seems so futile..

apparently in a conversation with her.. the truth to the break up finally comes out
she hates my whining and compaining. and it so happens that i have a voice of a whiner..
she hates the fact that i always having financial issues. jacq if you're reading this, pls, i need that money back, and my starwars dvd. it's been 1yr + overdue
she hates that i'm too clingy, not independant and that she can't find the freedom to do the things she want.
lastly, the reason that hit me the most, and is still lingering my mind and forcing me to stay my hand.. if indeed there was someone out there that was the 'one' for her.. and he can't approach just because she's with me... then it'll be a loss for her. others may argue that she's only coming 21 and it's still a long way to go, but thing is, she would prolly be migrating out of the country at the age of 25, so there's not much time left..
and these are essentially the things that she had been putting up with since the start of the relationship and she feels that these are the things that i cannot change, hence telling me that the fault is hers, nothing to do with me.

at least i feel better knowing that she told me the truth. i'm not that hurt by it, i expect frank and honest feedback. and i would have prefered if she told me about this things much much earlier, coz i definately would have done something about it. those who have known me for a very long time, would remember that i was once full of ego and always full of horny/dirty jokes.. but somewhere along the line i ceased such things. why? because rachel told me how offending and put off such things were. and i constantly reminded myself about such things till the point where i really stopped being ego and stuff. she could have told me...

what am i to do now..
i know i shouldn't, but i can't help myself.. i'm dying for companionship. it didn't help when rachel was not only a significant half, but she was my best friend as well.. and losing her create such anbig empty space in my social life and heart..

anyway more tonight, have to go to the wedding now.. laters

NS POP and A Turn of Events

2005-11-30T01:41:00.000+08:00

well, i don't have much time to update. it's already 1.38am and i have to be at SCDF HQ @ Ubi by 7.30am.

i've Passed Out from basic training, and have been posted to CD HQ, under the Public Affairs Department. and under that i'm under the Corporate Section, and under the Multimedia team. we'll be handling video/photo coverage of events and functions and video editing. more on that next post.

rachel's broken up with me. single once again.

why i didn't have a chance to update? internet's down. modem's going crazy. more on everything next post.

ps: manda, you back in sg yet?
pps: a certain someone request that i take down any reference to her, will do that tmr.

NS Life Is Unexpectingly Easy

2005-10-02T12:55:00.000+08:00

i'm surprised. ns isn't as tough as i expected. infact, my sec sch scouts(Gan Eng Seng Dragon Scouts) was far worst than whatever i'm experiencing now, hahahaha. maybe the only complaint is the PT training, but only because i've not exercized in a very long time, so it's expected too.

food is good. infact too good. put enough rice for yourself, and there won't be enough rice to eat the sidedishes with, put enough rice for the sidedishes and it'll be too much hahaha.

oh and i sprained the same ankle twice in less than a week. sucks.
first was right after morning PT, as all of us were running back to company line. oh i'm in Charlie Company, Platoon 7. so as we were all running back to our own company line, someone crossed my path and made me trip on his trailing leg, and i fell, literaly, head over heels, rolling and spraining my left ankle. that was last last friday. and just this past tuesday, again, this time during another PT lesson as well. the ankle's swelling went down by sunday book-in, so i thought it was fine. but as i was jogging on the field, the uneven ground finally did it in for my anke again. this time it was far worst. it was so painful i was tearing and grabbing the grass beneath me, gritting my teeth. a sarge and a recruit came. it was so painful i didn't recognize who the fuck the recruit was, but one thing i remembered was, the fucker thought it was leg cramp. so he was pulling and left foot and grabbing onto the ankle. i've never felt so much pain at a single point of my body before. i think i was screaming and hurling vulgarities at the recruit, who figured out what happened a while after i started screaming. idiot.

well swelling's down, but it's still painful if i try to flex my ankle too much. i doubt i can run. IPPT should be this coming week. sigh. i dunno if i should go see the MO again or not. gah.

oh and my superiors are starting to be aware of my... abilities and potential. not like i want them to be known, but my coporal is forcing me to be the platoon ic next week. at this rate, i'll definately be thrown into ERS(the firefighter sarge course thingy) by the time i get out of PTP. as much as how i talked about wanting to get into ERS way before i got into ns, after hearing much about firefighter training, i started to get afraid i may not be able to cope mentally with the training, and am also afraid of responsibilities and afraid that in a real situation, that i might put men under me in danger.. but i guess i have no choice.. looks like whether i like it or not, my fate and destiny has been set in front of me.. so i'm back to my 'bring it on' attitude. whatever happens, i will still aspire to be the strongest, or go out in a blaze of glory if i fail..

wish me luck folks

[tagged by Grave]
List three random facts about yourself that your friends might not know. And then tag five other friends to do it.

1. used to look really nerdy and geeky in sec sch and below
2. apparently i know quite a number of my superiors in NS, lol
3. i still don't know what to get for rachel for our 1st yr anniversary.. gah

tag 5 others: Sherman, Theepan, Clinton, Nickseth, Manda

Something About Jacqueline

2005-09-13T04:08:00.000+08:00

well, i've managed to compress the cofest lightsaber battle video enough to host on my homepage space.
click here to save the file.

anyway, i've been meaning to post this for a long time. now i have managed to drag myself to.. post it. not as a disgruntled ex-bf, but more of a caring friend, as a warning to those close to me and those who happen to know my ex-gf, Jacqueline, to stay away from her, and do not, listen to her when it comes to loaning her money..

there's something wrong with jacqueline. it wasn't obvious to me early in our relationship back then, coz somehow i trusted her(cept when it came to other guys, but that's irrelevant).

it all started when one day, her ex boss from an expat Clinic called IMC(i think, can't remember, it was some ang moh clinic at the last lvl of tangling shopping centre), called her up for a meeting. little did i know the Hell, that she was going to put me thru. she was crying and all when we met, saying things that they're accusing her of stealing $16k. so i comfort her, blah blah blah, even consulted friends who were policemen about it. but later, she confessed to it. i was aghast when she confessed that she really did take it. she wasn't sure if it was $16k, but she took some everytime she had to put clinic cash into the bank. she assumed that they wouldn't check the deposit slip. but later on during auditing, they finally found out..

so came the repayment. apparently her dad paid $10k, which was verified by himself, but more on that later on. so there was some court of court settlement, and then since i was the only one with the job at that point of time, i was always broke coz most of my pay always went to pay for her. even after we weren't together, she still borrowed money. always coming up with some excuse, and somehow always making me believe. and always ending up broke, eating pantry food and the like. biscuits and cup noodles. and milo. hah.

now that i'm jobless she doesn't seem to bother me anymore. she goes to bother everyone else. well done. lin complains about all this. and she tries hard to not pick up her calls and avoid her when necessary. agnes complains about her. even zaki said that jacq tried to borrow $5k from ian. just what the fuck does she want all this money for? oh and she has yet to return my money, 99% of what she owes me. added up would be aroudn 4 digits worth. not to mention that stupid starhub bill. she was working at xerox recently, and last i heard she even made trouble there. my mum couldn't take it anymore and calls her house, her dad picks up. they talk for a while. jacq mentioned to me and my mum that her parents are divorcing. her dad tells a different story. no prob in the house, cept for jacq herself. he even invited my mum to come over and take a look at the household and stuff. lin mentioned before that whenever jacq says that her parents are fighting and stuff, it's always very quiet in the background, lol. doesn't make sense does it? her dad even mentioned having to pay for her some $10k crap. not to mention he and his wife have been getting many calls like from my mum frequently. her dad even said that if the police ever come to take her away, they are ready and willing to give them to her, as they have given up on her, even asks to warn my friends to stay away from jacq because she cannot be trusted. later on her mum calls me to ask if i knew where jacq was, coz some xerox manager was calling the house to ask jacq to return money. last i heard she is working in some trading company.
well i don't know.

jacq mentioned that there was some funeral and her grandmother passed away. she sounded rather calm tho, which didn't make sense to me. later when i checked with lin, she said that her grandmother is still alive. heh. interesting huh? talked to ray korso and lin about it. korso concludes that.. jacq might be into drugs. well i wouldn't know right? well whatever it is, this exposse article was to warn those who know jacq, to stay away from her, and not lend her anymore money. never even try to date her, her last boyfriend, that Ifte dude, even dumped her.. HAHA GOODGAME! so pls. take it from me. most of you folks know me more and far longer than jacq, so i do hope you will trust me enough to believe whatever i have just said. you might want to ask her about it but she'll prolly deny somehow. ask around, you'll prolly hear the same thing from the others. even kelly, zaki's friend. heh. jacq jacq jacq.... you're ruining not only us, but yourself as well..

so pls jacq.. when you read this, you have no where else to run. everyone knows your crap. stop borrowing money for whatever crap reasons. return me my money and that starhub bill shit. don't gimme any crap excuse anymore. don't even think of charming and lying to me.

this is Faiz signing off, wish me luck in NS folks. you will not hear from me for at least 3weeks... take care and be prepared for my NS stories..

2005-09-12T17:54:00.000+08:00

me and rach at the natsu matsuri.. out best photo to date.. omg she's so cute.. XD

2005-09-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

candid shot. yes it was random and i didn't even know it was being taken.

2005-09-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

me and david

2005-09-12T17:45:00.000+08:00

me as darth maul at cineleisure..

My 2nd Last Entry

2005-09-12T17:13:00.000+08:00

this will be my last entry for a very long time to come..
you see, it's time for me to finally go into ns. i've been thrown in Civil Defense where i hope to be a Firefighter Commander, a sergeant rank whose lvl and pay rivals a NSF Officer in the Army..

well the government, just lost out on one enthusiastic Chiong Suah material.. heh, but not my loss.

well i'll just give a quick summary on what had happened eversince i last updated.

the band i'm in has progressed a bit. has managed to play zombie and parts of song other songs, tho our vocalist have been... MIA for a while...

there was the cosplay event back in July, where me and my starwars pals did a group cosplay of, well, starwars, haha. there was to be a group presentation on stage, and we had been working on a fanfilm before this so the producer made a compressed vers of the fanfilm to 'trailer' during the stage presentation. although off the stage, cosplayed as Obi-Wan Kenobi(duh) complete with facial hair and blondish hair, lol, on stage i was to play a different person. A Jedi Master called Varlen. a jaded, cynical jedi who is doing his job, cause he sees it as a job only, without any passion. the play(and later, the fanfilm) is written, produced and directed by Jason Siah, aka DarthCrovus. i was just the Lightsaber Cheographer in the production. i'd love to show that video from cosfest but the video isn't big enough for me to host anywhere on a permanent basis. if you are interested enough pls visit http://boards.theforce.net/Singapore/b10185/ and ask around for the video clip. the whole play was 95% success, even tho we didn't win the group category, it was more than enough. that 5% failure was.. where the start of the lightsaber fight scene.. we were using Force FX Lightsabers from Master Replica, each of an average value of SG$200. total of 3 sabers. we had to cover the blades up with plastic kelp, the same material we used to cover our textbooks when we were back in primary sch.. transparent enough to show the audience the lightsaber visual effect, thin and light enough and tough enough to prevent scratches and give some cushioning to the impact. bear in mind that these sabers weren't the actors' so it was important such precautions were used. so basically the one i used, the plastic kelp was not... tied down to the blade properly, and at the start of the fight, mine just came off like a condom, making me gabra and forget what to do. can u imagine, on stage and in front of everyone the fight that everyone was waiting for, to screw up right at the start? not to mention it was the cheographer himself... bah.. anyway i chose to rip out that damn plastic cover to make things easier for me. at some point i got back my momentum. then came the Force Choke, kick, roll and saber throw throw from my padawan... now saber throw. allow yourself time to thnk that thru. fine, it's a common thing one probably sees in fanfilms. but, we were using Master Replica Force Fx sabers to throw.. heh. it was an idea from Mr Producer which all of us did not want, cause we all thought it was crazy. "what if it broke?" lol. but he wanted in. ok fine so we trained everyday for that fateful day. we didn't use a FX to train, but something with similar weight.. when the time came for me to grab that saber on stage... IT WAS PERFECT. i didn't realise how perfect it was until i watched the video. and omg, it was... perfect. that was like one of the highlights of the fight scene.. the throw was perfect, and the catch was... awe-inspiring.. it was just like in the movies.. Think back to Starwars Episode 6: Return Of The Jedi, when luke was about to be thrown in the sarlaac pit, and r2d2 'throws' his lightsaber to him. but it was more more dramatic than that... on stage i can't even remember how i caught the saber. but when we all saw it on video, the lightsaber turned on, upon landing in my hands... it might not sound impressive until you saw the video. the one i have is not the best, i will try to look for something better..

was jobless and all, then later on managed to get some mascoting job to distribute flyers for this upcoming Starwars Exhibition @ Science Centre this november. i was dressed up as darth maul... it rocked.. me and some of the Movie-Mania guys were contracted to do this at the NDP carnival at Marina South. then a week or 2 later, David asked me to wear his SWAT outfit to help promote some IT Exhibition going on at NUS. there was some WCG thingy going on, so i was supposed to be soem CT from CounterStrike.

And recently there was the Natsu Matsuri(Summer Festivel) at the Changi Jap Sch. great i tell you. first time experience for me, esp in a yukata with nothing underneath cept briefs, hahahhaa
had 3 cans of asashi beer... got a bit high but hell it was nice...

i will post the photos of the above mentioned events in a while..

and tonight i will post one last entry.. regarding Jacqueline.. so stay tuned..

oh and i've changed the song to one by Blind Guardian called Under The Ice. from their 2nd latest album. nice riffs, double pedalling, distortions and lyrics. but it might get a bit repitative, i'm sorry if it happens. anyway the lyrics.

Under the Ice

Run 'til you find the answer
Time out for our poor Cassandra
She's fairy safe inside the fire

Inside the fire
Awakes desire
Cruelly admired

They'll torture her soul
And they'll torment her heart
But won't change her mind

Would you like to see me
How I'll cut off
Her head life's a game
A lesson to learn
Don't be shy just blame me
Well, there is no need to feel ashamed
Remember the oath
Remember the oath

Wake up it's time to cross the border
Is it true what they say
About the part you've played?

Enjoy your stay here
Welcome to the slaughterhouse
Release from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods

Under the ice you will believe
Under the ice you will be free
Released from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods

Please understand
It's not in our hands
Barren the land
It's all dead and gone

And still the tyrant's face is red
So witness my glory, my triumph, my fame
It's the sweetest taste

King of terror
Just stop wining
Hold your breath
It won't take long realize
This is your judgement day

In between the killing carry on

There are no rules here
Welcome to the slaughterhouse
Release from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods

Under the ice you will believe
Under the ice you will be free
Released from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods
Try to understand

You're the artificial enemy
An illusion we all need
For our sake
For our sake

We're not allowed to see
Beyond that's your skill
Will we ever learn the lesson
"We can't fly with broken wings"
Break the chains
Time to change

I'm afraid to say
But you won't play a part
It's been nice we now get to the climax
Your destination's unknown
Just get out of my way

Don't mind the blood here
Welcome to the slaughterhouse
Release from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods

Under the ice you will believe
Under the ice you will be free
Released from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods
Try to understand
Under the ice you will be free
Release from rotten thoughts
No more pain
And no more gods
And no more gods
I'm afraid to say
But you won't play a part

Got my wallet back!

2005-06-22T21:40:00.000+08:00

yay! someone found my wallet! apparently it wasnt in the cab. it must have dropped right after i alighted. funny it wasnt on the ground anymore when i checked again. oh well.
everything's intact. though i thought there was around $30 in the wallet, there's onli $22 in there now, which is fine i guess. everything else was intact, esp my nric, most important of all. so happy. hehe.

had to go down to bukit timah NPC to collect it.
then went cck for a while, and though rachel was too tired to meet, i just bought ramlee burger and some fries and a drink and chilled out at mac... played some guitar freaks. so long never play getting rusty.

then went home

haha

Lost my wallet

2005-06-21T23:45:00.000+08:00

well. fuck. i lost my wallet.
how? well was in a cab and was rushing for a movie, hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, and when i was rushing to pay the driver, i made the mistake of not putting my wallet in my back pocket before i got off.

right after the taxi sped off, then did i realise my back pocket was empty. yay.
ruined my whole day. used my debit card to book seats for the movie. and since i lost it i cant cancel out my booking. cathay's policy was that i could onli do so 1hr before the movie started. great. reported to the cab company, yellow top, but i've not heard anything till now.
nric, ezlink, atm card, debit card. $30 odd.

FUCK MAN.
i even had my arcade cards for Guitar Freaks and Ghost Recon as well. for those who are familiar with it, my ghost recon card, i was already like lvl 60-70 odd, a general already. with like lvl 12-16 for the stages. guitar freaks wasnt so bad i onli got like 1 'card' complete with around 250 exp odd. sigh. but still...

the MONEY. omg. i'm so fucking broke and all this. i was hysterical and couldnt stop brooding over it. i even wanted to cry.

i was supposed to take my napfa tmr, which would give me a chance to get in ns on the 12th july. but since i'll need my nric to take it, i dun think i'll be going in anytime early. next slot is september. sigh. i guess i'll look for a job in the mean time, clear my debts.. man how am i gonna survive until then... ARGH

fucking bad day for me.

anyway new song posted. Freedom & Justice by ACAB. they're a skinhead band from malaysia. their music is supposedly rock, ska, punk, along those lines but this particular music feels metal somehow. i dun really care about the lyrics but the guitar solo at the start and middle is AMAZING. below are the lyrics..

ACAB -Freedom & Justice

open up your eyes and see
people live in poverty
no right to speak and no right to fight,
coz the tyrant will always be right
the poor will always be the same
while the rich keep winning the game

you rape and murder our freedom speech
and call it justice as you turn ourself in
we ain't do nothing, we just wanna be free
we ain't no jews in the days of nazi's
one day revolution will be made
and we'll gain our freedom and justice oh yeah..

(chorus)
no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

no, it's not disorder that we want
and it's not anarchy
we need our freedom and justice
we want to be free

BOO!

2005-06-05T04:48:00.000+08:00

lol.

i am so so so sorry for my severe lateness in my updates. as i mentioned before, eversince i quit my job, i dun really see any need to pass my time at home blogging. not to mention busy with the starwars craze, but more on that later. BUT since i have generated a rather modest amount of fans, i will strive not to let you guys down. i bet everyone's sick of the song already too.

well first things first.

Star Wars episode 3.
reviews. well its a nice movie, somewhat better than epi1 and 2. but still unable to beat the Original Trilogy tho(epi4-6)
although the saber scenes were excellent.. it was too damn well cheographed... and practised upon. true the moves were complicated, fast, etc. but thats the problem, it looks too nice to be realistic. other than that, they seemed to have left out a lot of scenes, which i figure will come out in the dvd. and altho the show was like 2hrs 20mins(i think, around there) it still felt like they tried to cramp TOO much into this last episode. the space battle was nice... but too short. lucas promised a greater battle scene than the Battle Of Endor in ROTJ(epi6 aka Return Of The Jedi) but, it was a bit disappointing.. i still think battle of endor was much much nicer.. anakin's fall to the dark side was.. too fast. u'll understand when u see it.

on the charity premiere and all, i didnt manage to go in costume, but there was a starwars costume parade in orchard the other day. will post links to photos next blog posting.

now on to other matters.
wat have i been doing? nothing really. just bumming around, slacking, going out with my gf and all..

some of my starwars frens are planning to do a starwars fanfilm. for those who know wat a fanfilm is, and have seen the one i produced years ago... no its not gonna be those kinda standard.. it'll be professionally done, possibly with blue/green screens, 3d animations, lightsaber effects, etc. for those who don't, fanfilm is something like a short film produced by fans, concerning starwars universe. so far we're at the very start, still planning and finalizing the script. in the meantime i have offered to teach watever i noe about kendo, to future possible jedi/sith candidates for the fanfilm. its going well so far. i hope i can be one of the jedi..

well, i'm broke once again, apparently my last starhub pay didnt even last me this long. why? long story cut short, i had to pay hp debts for someone.. and am awaiting reimbursement from that party.. on another note, any donations will come in handy this time, just click on the paypal donation button on the right panel ---->

i am also willing to work. damn CMPB still has yet to issue me my enlistment letter, and yes i've been chasing them frequently, and they still tell me most probably in june. fuck man its already june. anyway, i am looking for short temp jobs(few days, few weeks those kind). prefer it/pc related positions, but other general positions is also welcome. feel free to take a look at my resume, and if any of u guys can help me find lobangs, pls do not hestitate to inform me. its important coz i need to find cash to settle debts as well..
again i'm offering freelance service.. from social escorting(as i've wrote earlier, company for events/functions/etc and anything non-sexual related) to pc fixing. drop me a mail(or sms/call for those who know my number) and i will come down to fix your pc for you, if its within my power. gimme a description of the problem, and i will quote u a price. depending on the difficulty of the problem, it can be anything from $30 to $50, and if i cant solve it, i wont charge a single cent. as for the social escorting, well, since i'm pretty desperate, $50 for the whole day should suffice.

anyway i'll see if i can post more tmr.

and now, a new song. i was thinking, i've been posting so much on kamelot, u folks might get sick of them. so i'm gonna post another favourite metal band of mine, Blind Guardian. german epic metal band who've been influenced by JR Tolkien's works, yes, think LORD OF THE RINGS! haha. well they've a few albums that have been based on some of his novels. mostly fantasy, medieval'ish stuff. amazing. the song i posted is about the fall of Troy. and its around 14mins long, lol. i love the chorus. been wanting to do a LOTR movie music video with this song. or maybe i'll even use Troy the movie itself even. anyway onto the lyrics. i hope u folks would like it.

And Then There Was Silence

Turn your head and see the fields of flames

He carries along
From a distant place
He's on his way
He'll bring decay
(Don't move along
'Cause things they will go wrong
The end is getting closer day by day)
In shades of grey
We're doomed to face the night
Light's out of sight

Since we've reached the point of no return
We pray for starlight we wait for the moon
The sky is empty
Alone in the unknown
We're getting nowhere

We have been betrayed
By the wind and rain
The sacred hall's empty and cold
The sacrifice made
Should not be done in vain
Revenge will be taken by Rome

We live a lie
Under the dying moon
Pale-faced laughs doom
Indulges in delight

It's getting out of hand
The final curtain will fall
Hear my voice
There is no choice
There's no way out
You'll find out

We don't regret it
So many men have failed
But now he's gone
Go out and get it
The madman's head it

Shall be thyne
We don't regret it
That someone else dies hidden in disguise
Go out and get it
Orion's hound shines bright

Don't you think it's time to stop the chase
Around the ring
Just stop running running
Round the ring
Don't you know that fate has been decided by the gods
Feel the distance, distance
Out of reach

Welcome to the end
Watch your step, Cassandra
You may fall
As I've stumbled on the field
Sister mine
Death's a certain thing
Find myself in darkest places
Find myself drifting away
And the other world
The other world appears

Find myself she dies in vain
I cannot be freed
I'm falling down
As time runs faster
Moves towards disaster

The ferryman will wait for you
My dear

And then there was silence
Just a voice from other world
Like a leaf in an icy world
Memories will fade

Misty tales and poems lost
All the bliss and beauty will be gone
Will my weary soul find release for a while
At the moment of death I will smile
It's the triumph of shame and disease
In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day
Break the spell show me the way
In decay
The flame of Troy will shine bright

The newborn child will carry ruin to the hall
The newborn's death would be a blessing to us all

Good choice?
Bad choice?
Out of there
You've chosen misery
Power and wisdom
You deny
Bad choice

War is the only answer
When love will conquer fear
So the judgement's been made to the fairest
The graceful says badly he fails

Warning
Fear the heat of passion, father king
Don't let him in
Don't let her in
Desire, lust, obsession
Death they'll bring
We can't get out
Once they are in

She's like the sunrise
Outshines the moon at night
Precious like starlight
She will bring in a murderous price

In darkness grows the seed of man's defeat
Jealousy
I can clearly see the end now
I can clearly see the end now
I can clearly see the end now

The thread of life is spun
The coin's been placed below my tongue

Never give up
Never give in
Be on our side
So we can win
Never give up
Never give in
Be on our side
Old moon's time is soon to come

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Nothing to lose
Like one we'll stand
We'll face the storm
Created by a man

Roar roar roar roar
Troy Troy Troy Troy

And as the lion
Slaughters man
I am the wolf
And you're the lamb

Hallowed Troy will fall
Round the walls
Faith is shattered bodies fall

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Nothing to lose
Like one we'll stand
It's all for one and one for all
We live for will be wiped out

I feel that something's wrong
Surprise, surprise they're gone
Full moon your time goes by
And new moon's still kept our of sight
We live we die

Misty tales and poems lost
All the bliss and beauty will be gone
Will my weary soul find release for a while
At the moment of death I will smile
It's the triumph of shame and disease
In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day
Break the spell show me the way
In decay
The flame of Troy will shine bright

Roam in darkness
Spread the vision
We will be lost if you truly believe
Troy in darkness
There's a cold emptiness in our hearts
That they've gone away
And won't come back

They'll tear down the wall to bring it in
They'll truly believe in the lie, lie, lie
With blossoms they'll welcome
The old foe

The vision's so clear
When day and dream unite
The end is near
You better be prepared

The nightmare shall be over now
There's nothing more to fear
Come join in our singing
And dance with us now
The nightmare shall be over now
There's nothing more to fear
The war it is over forevermore

No hope
The blind leads the blind
Carry on
Though future's denied
Mare or stallion
There's far more inside
We are in at the kill we'll cheerfully die

Misty tales and poems lost
All the bliss and beauty will be gone
Will my weary soul find release for a while
At the moment of death I will smile
It's the triumph of shame and disease
In the end Iliad

Raise my hands and praise the day
Break the spell show me the way
In decay
The flame of Troy will shine bright

Holy light shines on

So the judgement's been made
We're condemned though the trial's far ahead
The crack of doom
Father
Your handsome son is heading home

Heading home

Still the wind blows
Calm and silent
Carries news from a distant shore

Out of mind
Can't get it
Can't get it
Out of me head

Sorrow and defeat

New Kamelot song, a band called Half Past 6 and starwars epi3

2005-05-16T16:55:00.000+08:00

well i'll be quick coz i dun have time to dilly dally. why? COZ IN A FEW HOURS TIME I SHALL BE ONE OF THE FIRST TO WATCH STARWARS EPISODE 3! RETURN OF THE SITH! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Charity Gala Premiere. damn tix costed me $150. and i dun have money to get a Jedi costume. its sad really. one of the greatest starwars fan of my time, and yet, no costume for the final event. blah.

well updates first since its been a while i've updated. why havent i been updating? been too busy slacking. back then it used to be a bit boring at work that i'd blog to retain my sanity, but now? i bet it'll slow down a bit. will be starting my exercise regime soon. stay tuned as i get Gold in NAPFA and getted shipped straight to BMT, haha.(well thats if i get into army)

been slacking at home, going out with gf here and there. playing more guitar freaks. oh oh and recently me and some of my mates from #cosplay decide to get together and jam. well i dun think we'll be writing any original songs for now, so we're gonna just learn some pop songs for now. i'm on the guitars, there's Salad on drums, Shiomi on keyboards/vocals and Yui on bass. our first jamming session was on sat evening. a place called soundmix. nice place. not onli is it a jamming studio, it doubles as a recording studio as well. awesome.

later after the jamming, i was just calling our band, a Half Past 6 band. cannot make it. then, apparently they were familiar with the term, half past 6. i forgot where i picked it up, i remember its a slang for 'cannot make it'. like half past 6 english(broken english) for eg. even after explaination, they liked the term and thought it might be a nice name for the band. LOL.
they're right of coz. i mean it sounds better than just "The Poseurs" or "The Wannabes" ahhahahahaha
1337er vers, Half Past 6. lmao

anyway more updates when i come back from the epi3 screening.
for now i've uploaded a new song from kamelot, also from the new album. my mum bought a new mp3 player from creative for my bro. and it came with a newer audio ripping software than the old creative playcenter i used to use to rip my audio cds. now instead of wma 32bit mono, its i've been able to rip it at 48bit mono wma. woohoo! slightly bigger, and much better sound quality. at least thats wat i can tell. so enjoy the song, my fans. depending on my mood, i'll mention in my next title whether they'll be spoilers or not.

i present Nothing Ever Dies by Kamelot

Kamelot - Nothing Ever Dies

Here we are
Under the same old sun
All alone yet somehow bound and unified
Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes won't take long
We search for a harbour
Somewhere to belong

They say that faith is all you need
To stay forever young
What you've sown is what you reap
Our sins can't be undone

There is a god in each society
So right is wrong where wrong is right
No-one could be sure
Still we are certain
That what we know is truth
The only truth
We're building our temples taller

They say that faith is all you need
To stay forever young
What've sown is what you reap
Our sins can't be undone

How can we trust them once again
They used to tell us lies
Their voices will sustain
Cause nothing ever dies

Love is the only truth
Pure as the well of youth
Until it breaks your heart
You took me higher
Than the mountains i have climbed
You waited all your life for me
You left me all alone behind
But we'll meet again
We will meet again

Last Day in Starhub, Screwy Evening and New Song

2005-05-10T16:05:00.000+08:00

well, my last day in starhub was, as expected, irritating. can u believe it? the first 5 calls were disputes. my god. i swear the pbax(phone) system knew that it was my last day and diverted all dispute calls to me. i mean COME ON. give me a break. lol. wrote a long last msg on the internal msging system. everyone shook my hands goodbye.

then that evening had a miscommunication with rach. to keep long story short, we were both tired, ended up snapping at each other, and nearly breaking up. haha. GOOD GAME!
but everything's fine now, i hope.

anyway had to go down to office on monday to clear my table and locker, and have my time sheets and night shift allowance forms signed and stamped. after that i went over to job agency to hand them in, when i realised i actually had 2 allowance forms, onli 1 of which i got my supervisor to sign onli. OMG. it was onli for the month of may, i still had the april one unsigned. OMG. fuck
this is irritating. this would mean that i would have to go down again ARGH. and then go to job agency. geez.

anyway met up with jason, kat and shikin last nite for dinner and gossip, our usual monthly thingy. shikin has a thing about teasing and insulting me. wait, everyone seems to have that. i dun understand. they seem to like doing it. oh no matter. great dinner at surf and turf @ suntec. reasonably priced, rather small serving but hell it was damn filling. and the service there is excellent! 'nuff said go there and eat.

anyway new song coming up.
Moonlight by Kamelot again. same new album. towards the end of the song, there's an interesting change of tune, and accent of singing. like some celtic influence complete with its instruments. hard to explain. u'd just have to listen to it.

Kamelot - Moonlight

I have never craved the system's sympathy
I get restless over pity smiles
Some precaution wouldn't harm my history
If i had the will to wait a little while

You cut the silence like a knife
You know i can't repent for all

Moonlight falling over me
Sail on where the shadows hide
Moonlight crawling down on me
Just like you could not compete with my pride

Compensation for a misconducted life
Is it way too much to ask
Hard to wake up
With your heart and soul deprived
When the morning comes
The second to your last

You cut the silence like a knife
At the edge of my last defences
You cut the silence like a knife
You know i won't repent for all

Moonlight falling over me
Sail on where the shadows hide
Moonlight crawling down on me
Just like you could not compete with my pride

Shine on silver from the sky into the night
Gaia shivers and i need your leading light

Moonlight falling over me
Sail on where the shadows hide
Moonlight Crawling down on me
Just like you could not compete with our pride

Kamelot - Soul Society

2005-05-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

well i bet you guys are sick of that nice long metal ballard.
time for another. lol.

the next one's also nice, not like the best from the album as i've showcased the previous ones, but its not so bad. interesting lyrics too. something about heaven and being cynical about it existing. they used the term Soul Society, just like in the anime Bleach. interesting. i wonder if the writer saw Bleach and go the idea from there somehow. lol oh well and now onto the lyrics.

Kamelot - Soul Society

If my soul could revive
From my carnal remains
What does it matter to me
If it all fades to black
If i'm born once again
Then no-one really is free
How could i be condemned
For the things that i've done
If my intentions were good
I guess i'll never know
Some things under the sun
Can never be understood

How can we believe in heaven
Human reason counters all
Ideas of a soul society
My life is just a fragment
Of the universe and all
There must be more than i can see

In the dark we're the same
In the concept of time
We're like a grain in the sand
And we strive for the flame
As if death was our aim
Cause we cannot understand

How i wish there was a heaven
All for one and one for all
A flawless soul society
Our lives are just a fragment
Of the universe and all
There may be more than we can see

I SCORED!

2005-05-06T16:00:00.000+08:00

haha. soccer was GOOOOOOOOD. the fact that quite a number of ppl came down just for my sake, i'm quite touched. they called it my testimonial game. total of 10 ppl played, including myself. since it rained earlier, the court was still wet, but playable nontheless. i was happy it rained coz not onli was it cooling, the wet court forced me not to run around recklessly. i tend to injure myself and play less efficiently at full speed coz i have this habit of not able to brake or stop in time, lol. (my malay heritage bloodline limit, haha)

scored 2 goals even. usually at most i score 1 goal onli. i'm so happy. it was a rather expensive game too. why? well basically, behind the court, beyond the fence is a military camp, the ayer rajah camp i think. and, well, if u kick a ball beyond it.. there's no way to retrieve it, haha. and that evening, 2 balls went over . LOL.

the first one was not exactly my fault, as my shot was on target, but someone blocked it and it deflected over the fence. the other was someone else's kick and deflection again. haha.

jokers them all. after i scored the first they were like, "ok we let u score one goal already, give u enuf face already"
KNN! haha, i knew they didnt mean it, but it was funny nontheless.
on another instance, "wah lau.. your last game, see we all come down just to play with you.. better not later when u free u come back and play ah" u see i can still come back and play with the guys, just inform the guardhouse. then another answered "nevermind, he can come back, but he wont be welcome, at most we call security onli" everyone laughed. then another added "yah la, somemore he looks like one of the al-qaeda as well" i'm well into growing my facial hair, and have stopped shaving for a week or so already, to get into my obi-wan kenobi look.

too bad rachel's gonna have to tolerate this for a while, till at least after the 21st may, as that would prolly be the last time i'd dress up as obi wan, lol. then i'll shave everything off cleanly. all for your making out pleasure baby. not like i enjoy my facial hair that much either. and i think i look much more handsome w/o all this facial hair. i bet i can even star in a bollywood movie, haha. =x

2nd last day at starhub. 3 more days before my pay.. man i cant wait anymore. the nearer it is, the more impatient i get.. x_x

work's fine, so far that is. and i noticed how jovial my this post is as compared to the prev one. i hope my head's ok(mentally i mean). most of my team today is off it seems and my row's almost empty. but its rather fucking cold today. must be the rain. i mean, i'm already in my jacket with a hood over my cap, yet i'm still cold, and my hands are close to numb already. i wont be surprised if i have typos in this post. and i'm not the onli one who's complaining. everyone's wearing their jacket, not something u see everyday. some unfortunate souls dun even have a jacket and are having their teeth chattering! lmao

blah. well cant wait to see my rachel soon.. miss her so much..

am i going crazy?

2005-05-05T18:34:00.000+08:00

well, i'm in one of those mood swings. those depressive states. i dunno.
wat triggered this?

well remembering my current financial state. and well maybe a bit of rachel.
agains i smsed if she managed to get to class and all. that was around 12.15pm
4hrs later then she replies with "just got home"
being the insecure paranoid person i am(being goodlooking and a gd bf does not help, i'll still be insecure and paranoid)asked where did she go. went to watch a movie, with her classmates. ok i guess there's nothing to worry. until i asked wat movie

kingdom of heaven

annoyed isnt the word. oh i dun have anything against the movie. its just that, i wanted to catch it with her. i cant recently. why? COZ I'M FUCKING BROKE. till monday that is. then i can start clearing all my debts. its depressing. i feel like crying again. then it hits me. i've been feeling shit for ages, even had that minor bout of not enjoying and lasting long in bed. i've been reading these articles on this disorder jacq has and its starting to make me worry if its infectious. earlier today a gd old fren from #starwars called, none other then one of my 'brother' val. asking if we're dressing up for epi3. told him should be, but i didnt organize the gatherings and whatnots anymore and gave him the organizer's number to check and liase with. that got me thinking. starwars is my life.
as much as i love it to bits, i never once ever had a dream where i could a jedi knight and all. but that aside, i consider myself the best fan of starwars, if not one of the best. why? well there's always wannabes and posers out there that think that actually having a collection of the toys mean that instantly they're great fans. or there's those who actually name their twins luke and leia. or weirdos who hold their hands out infront of sensored doorways and 'use the force' to open the door. i mean seriously, thats fucking bullshit. do these folks bother to read the novels and such? not really. its just the movies. does watching LOTR movies make u a die hard fan of them? no. u need to read the fucking books. hell there's even phd(i think) in tolkien or something. now that is wat i can a real fan. money can get u anything, toys and accessories. but do u have the same fervour to actually pick up their book and comics to read further?
anyway, the fact that i dun and didnt wanna organize anything about epi3 made me realise that something's amiss.

back when #starwars was still filled by the hardcore fans, frens who've i've made gd frens with irl as well, i organized almost every outing and event. i just dun have the heart for it anymore. its worrying me. well it was true that the last outing i organized for epi2 was the largest in #starwar's recorded history(40 odd ppl), and GV screwed things up for us(long story) but i dun understand my lack of enthusiasm for starwars anymore. i still love it, but my heart's not in it anymore.. maybe because the costs of having to get a costume worries me, but to this point? blah i dunno. is this wat ppl consider depression?

coz even when i got rachel, i was happy to a certain extent, but my problems always came back to haunt me, getting me into this depressive state. hell, i have a soccer game to play in 1.5hrs time, i'm looking forward to it, its the last game i'll ever play at the back of my office building with my collegues-cum-soccer-kakis, i should be enthusiastic and excited by it, but why am i not? i tell myself to snap out of it, but i cant. is something wrong with me? i noe that material wealth is important now, but this is ridiculous, i cant function properly.

i'm supposed to be looking forward to my free time before ns, happy about it, but again the money issue again, wat if i dun have enuf to last me till my ns pay? i dunno. my life's screwed. i dunno wat to say or do. even back home when i'm playing my maplestory. i love that game to bits and am entirely addicted to it. but i'm not moved to playing it as hardcore as before. sick of it? far from it, infact there's no other pc game that interests me as maple right now as well. and making me think about all this damn things is actually giving me a headache.

well at least jacq has her hospital food in IMH. wat do i have? tea/milo and biscuits. i get paid every 2 weeks. but few days after my pay, i go broke. dun ask me why. somehow i'm always 'duped' into lending jacq cash, which she doesnt return promptly. infact for the past half yr+. at most cash returned would be in the 20s 30s, but i lent her by the hundreds. and before the week of my pay ends, i'm already back on my biscuits and milo diet. i dun think my pauch went down, but i did notice that my upper and lower arm muscles, and my chest muscles have gone down drastically. maybe its just that i havent been exercising, who noes.

i feel terrible. i'm hungry. i cant let my parents noe. and they're wondering why i'm always protecting my fren(they didnt noe its jacq who's responsible for the starhub debt shit). coz if they knew, they'd flip, and i'll never hear the end of it. as much as how i have ever talked about not killing yourself, and face life and its problems like a man, this is too much even for me. seriously. look, i dun think your average man, has this kinda problems. this is really eating into me. and it doesnt make matters easier that in my whole family, not onli am i the oldest, but on my dad's side, i'm the oldest of all my cousins as well. which means...

I HAVE TO FUCKING PERFORM AND NOT LET ANYONE'S EXPECTION DOWN.

u watch movies and play games, about how the main char has a father who was the great person, pilot, soldier, etc, and they expect u to live up to his standard. its happening to me right now. i'm like living in my dad's shadow. he was the oldest in his family, and since his dad passed away when he was slightly younger than me(i think) he had to carry the whole burden himself. doesnt help that the fact that he has siblings u can count with 2 hands(almost) but being the oldest, the responsibility automatically goes to him. i have to salute my dad. he single-handed, brought everyone up(with his mum of coz), paid for his sibling's education, and his own(he went to poly, just imagine the costs) and still had to buy a new flat when the whole family had to move out of the kampong.

thats one of the reasons why i'm different from those malay stereotypes out there. i was brought up in a well-to-do family, with successful uncles and aunts. my dad made the difference, always sacrificing himself. and where is his eldest son now? fucked in heavy debts, not even helping out in the household. i'm really sorry dad, i wish i could tell u about my problems, but u just wont help. well literally u could, but i just wont hear the end of it.

man, all this is really making me melachony. however that damn word's spelt.

i wonder if any of u guys saw the movie, Alfie. if u did, i felt like how he felt in the end. thats right. granted i didnt fuck as many girls as he did, nor am i as close as looking as gd, but the scenario is so similar.

i cant bother rachel with all this. why? she'll just blast it back at me, telling me its all my fault for even letting money go to jacq. and she wants me to be financially independant of myself. at least she's understanding and caring enuf not to ask me to pay for her things and such. miss her so much. if i had money i could easily just go meet her after my soccer and hang out with her. but i cant, coz i'm broke.

on another note, i feel like a half-bred.
neither here nor there.
i suspect due to my malay heritage, indian blood and extensive mixing and socializing with chinese/non-malay frens.
like for eg, i dun have the crazy skill in soccer nor guitar that my purebred malay counterparts have, but i 90% of their crazy speed. in other words, i'm easily one of the fastest soccer players, but my skill and stamina lets me down and although i'm not so gd in guitars, i can pick up faster than most(dun have the heart to get much into it though) and not onli can i follow some songs by ear, but in the case of Guitar Freaks, i pick it up faster than my rachel.
then comes the indian part, i'm hairier than your usual malay, and when i sweat a LOT. which in turn means i would smell. once, my shirt doesnt smell of sweat anymore. it smelled more of ammonia. not very pleasing to me. hence i have to invest in deodrants and such. sigh. and due to my mixed blood heritage, if i didnt shave my facial hair for a month, i'd prolly be mistaken for oen of osama's men. of coz i'm blessed with sharp features, not so unsimilar from the north indianers. all this reminds me of those 'Bloodline Limit' thing in naruto, haha.

and due to my choosing and mixing of more chinese/non-malay frens, my mother tongue fails horribly. not like i bother or care, but it can be a tad irritating when i really need to converse in malay onli. and so is my malay culture thingy. i wont noe wat to do in traditional functions. it can be rather embarrassing.

anyway enuf of this. i'm getting off work soon, so in the mean time i'm gonna hype myself up for the game..

ps: i'm seriously considering of visiting a shrink

The Gods Must Hate me

2005-05-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

fucked up day.

stupid day. fucked up dumb customers at work
atittude given by rachel
fucked up starhub debts came back to haunt me

seriously wat the fuck did i do to deserve all this. is it the alcohol? or the blatant love making? wat? both? geez. not like i'm making others suffer, i'm doing it to myself. why is the fucking repurcussion so big?

cust #1
using a motorola surfboard 4100 cable modem, currently on a maxonline 6500 contract. wants to upgrade to maxonline ultimate. unfortunately, he would have to buy a new modem, why? coz his old one doesnt support the speed(25mbps). disputes. wants to get a new modem for free. informed him i'll check with superiors. but after checking his records, he's one badass fucked up customer. so many technical issues and service he complains about. as if that was bad enuf, he always threatens to disconnect or go to another provider. with us giving him freebies like vouchers and such. not to mention having starhub pull his prev contract just coz he wasnt satisfied with the technical specifications, w/o having to pay for penalty. i mean seriously. IF IT DOES NOT FIT DUN FUCKING SIGN UP FOR IT. bastard. gd thing me and my teamleader went thru his record together and realised he was an asshole. so we told him no, and had no choice but to accept it. fucker

cust#2
has some stupid firewall on. and complains about slow access. why the fuck does ppl always think its the provider's problem? i never had any serious issues with my pacnet. nothing. found out later the website itself was slow. fine.
called in again happened to pick up again, say cant surf. cant remember shit wat i did to get him back online. apparently went thru his records, the mofo makes noises at the slightest port scan. hell he thinks starhub's trying to hack him. FUCK YOU. idiot. do u noe, that some of wat the firewall logs detect, are just requests from our gateway and dns server? THATS WHY U CANT SURF U IDIOT. YOUR FIREWALL'S BLOCKING OUR SERVER FROM ASSIGNING AN IP ADDRESS TO YOUR FIREWALLED COMPUTER. idiot.

there were a few other customers, but i cant remember much, i'm too angry to remember anything else.

a collegue apparently forgot to schedule a service call yesterday, luckily customer was patient enuf and didnt scream or shout at me. for that, i went out of my way to arrange an urgent one for him. see? simple. talk nicely. scream and shout, and the less i want to help u. fuck, if there was a system, i'd give starhub reward points to nice customers, and minus points from insolent ones. might as well install a fucking IQ test on the 1633 hotline and onli those intelligent enuf to follow instructions would be able to get thru and receive assistance from us. biatches

now. rachel.
at 11am, i smsed if she was able to wake up for her classes.
no reply
few more later after 12noon(her classes ends then)
still no reply.
call her hp at around 2.30pm
picked up, just got home, was hanging out with frens. after a few dumbfuck customers, i wasnt pleased at all how things were going.
told her i'll talk to her later. now, the line was cut immediately after i finished my sentence. wat does that tell u? which means she was well on her way to cut the line when i started my last sentence, which constitutes as hanging up on me. very displeased.
msged her asking if she realised she hung up on me. no response.
no response after repeatedly smses throughout the whole fucking day. fine
i call, and she doesnt pick up. ARGH
granted she may have fallen asleep. for her sake, i hope that is the case

and now the fucking debts with starhub. back late last year i made the error of signing up a starhub mobile line(w/o contract) for jacq. and now its been long terminated due to nonpayment. of coz from the billing dept, the case has been happily thrown to the credit control ppl, a company called Max Alliance. great. and somehow, although the billing address was at jacq's bf(or ex-bf, managed to break them up somehow, dunno how true is that, long story, another entry next time) but they call my house number and refer to my own address. GREAT. just fucking great.
now they call me and tell me if payment not made by tmr, they'll have to do a house visit. yay.
jacq said she got her dad to talk to natasha(the credit control girl) and everything's settled. but its so fucking hard to trust a crazy bipolar woman anymore. fuck

i hate today. seriously. again i wanted to cry. considering my options of getting onto the roof of the AOS Building(starhub) and jump or something, but nah, too rush for suicide. i need to go in style, and have a well written suicide note for everyone.

UPDATE: finally rachel replies on sms, but u noe with wat? "what thing?"
omg, this is infuriating.

2005-05-01T04:03:00.000+08:00

is it me, or do i have an uncanny resemblance to kamelot's vocalist, Roy Khan? weird no? pardon me for no updates but i'm so bored i just had to post this. for those wondering about my goatie, i was saving this up for starwars episode3 cosplay. roy had the cheek to actually copy my obi-wan kenobi goatie for photos of kamelot's latest album.(previously he also just had that small goatie on the chin, minus the moustache, just like me too -.-")

Ripley's Believe It or Not

2005-05-01T03:45:00.000+08:00

guess wat? i look a tiny bit like kamelot's vocalist! well at least i think so. the photo i'm gonna post was professionally edited by Microsoft Paint. haha. sorry but my pc's way to screwy to use any better progs like photoshop and the like. and since there hasnt been any new photos of myself, i decided to be a cam-whore with my sonyericsson K500i and take a few shots of myself. note that i took off my specs to show how closely i resemble khan. and you folks out there who have trouble disbelieving how gd i look, its ok. not like i'm gonna suffer from opinions from disbelievers. but u still have a chance for redemption. you could do a search on friendster using m.faiz@swirvemail.com and instantly you'll have access to more of my photos! amazing isnt it!? or you could ask around or something. *shrugs*

anyway i think its time i posted a new song. its called Memento Mori. dun ask me wat it means. prolly latin or italian. agains its from Kamelot, haha.

anyway this time its not anything heavy. again its a semi-ballard. really nice
reminds me of something out of Blind Guardian with a touch of Nightwish. again khan's voice is simply amazing.. and this is by far the longest running track Kamelot has ever produced in an album, unless u wanna put the Elizabeth trilogy tracks from the Karma album together, but i doubt that counts.

Kamelot - Memento Mori

Who wants to seperate
The world we know from our beliefs
And who sees only black and white
Distinguish loss from sacrifice
Some day we may come to peace
With the world within ourselves
And i will wait you
Until i close my eyes

When your time has come
You know you'll be lonely once again
And the final winter comes to us all
Life is treacherous
But you're not the only who must pretend

We're a second in time
We're the last in the line
Of the prey that walks the earth
Good and evil combined

I am the god in my own history
The master of the game
I may believe if she would come to me
And whisper out my name
Sometimes i wonder where the wind has gone
If life has ever been
Sometimes i wonder how belief alone
Can cut me free from sin

When you close your eyes
Mementos of summer retrieves your mind
Like a drizzle after noon cleans the air
When the winter blows
You're glad you remember you really tried

And it comes to an end
Even winter... like fall
And we all have our beliefs
Pray for mercy for all

I am a man without a mystery
The deal is done within
I will embrace the coldest winter breeze
And pay for every sin

[Helena]
VICTORIA, NON PRAEDA
MEMENTO MORI

[Mephisto]
UNA VOCE...VOLO. NON VALEO
DULCE ET DECORUM EST
PRO PATRIA MORI
MEMENTO MORI

[Ariel]
So subservant in you embrace
No more denial
No run away
This is the final
My last recall
And that's the price for what we learn
The more we know the more we yearn
Cause we're so alone

I am a man without a mystery
The deal is done within
I will embrace the coldest winter breeze
The journey can begin
I'm still the god in my own history
I still believe that she will come to me
And whisper out my name

Some day we may come to peace
And reach beyond behind the lies
And i will await you
Until i close my eyes...

Back by popular demand(well not really in demand, but it was a popular topic previously nontheless)

2005-04-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

again bored at work.

since my fans love to read about my grave digging and mis-adventures, i shall bring back a classic, from my old blog. for those who've read it before, u'll find that the font over here will make it more readable. for those who havent? haha, PREPARE YOURSELF!(king willy accent, from Predator 2 movie) you are gonna get a kick out of this

"01:58pm 21/07/2004

i'll never forget wat happened yesterday, its so damn fuckin creepy, it has been etched in my memory forever...

i've been picked up by a horny-3months-pregnant-married-half-eurasian-lady-on-anti-depressant-medication.

at first i thought she was being just overly frenly- up to the point when she said she was on anti-depressants, thats when klaxons in my head start blaring.

i was at borders at bout 5.30pm odd? thereabouts i guess, supposed to meet sherman and co for a dance competition that wilson's taking part in. and so i was at borders looking for books by my fav author i've yet to read but unfortunately the couple of books by him left were those i've already read. NEXT! and so i hop onto the sports section to look on books on martial art, looking for something interesting to read. saw this book on samurai swords, ok so i take it and read it. and suddenly...this lady starts sniffing at me asking me wat perfume i was wearing.

i dunno if startled's the word. i pretty much fumbled infact i cant remember if i told her. then she went on introducing herself and all. for a while there i thought she just wanted to noe wat colonge i was using but apparently i thought wrong. she went on telling me how goodlooking i was and all. of coz then i didnt realise that anything was wrong, and her being so chatty, she said she was just back from the states and she cant get out of being so liberal and open and frenly and etc. ok apparently i bought that story. and then she asked wat book i was reading, told her some martial arts books, which leads to the next question, "so that means u work out a lot?" started squeezing my upper arms to feel my biceps and look into my shirt at my chest(jacq is SO gonna kill me). then she was asking if i was muslim, and after i said yes she was like greeting me islam style holding out her hand to 'salam'. she was like saying how hairy my arms were and i told her i had indian blood. then surprise qn "how bout your pubes? do u have hair there? can i see? want to have your dick sucked?" i'm like WTF!? of coz i said no, but still it had not dawned upon me yet *sigh* then she wanted to kiss me, and was forcing herself on me and all(omg) and yes of coz i resisted.. at first i thought i must be the next joke in some Gotcha! stint waitin for her to tell me i'm on tv or something, but no. she had this torn part of her shirt which looked like a design to me at first, but she said her cats scratched her that morning. and then she was asking where my gf was and all, told her she was not with me and was busy and all.we sat down somewhere in borders and just started talking, asking me why am i sweating so much in air con. told her i'm not used to be being picked up by girls and i'm still traumatised by the experience. and i did the most hideous thing. invited her for the dance competition at China Black.

went to have some fries and onion rings at BK and she was telling me how she likes fucking around. and then i asked "but arent u married?" and she tells me yeah but her husband doesnt mind infact he does it all the time too. she was telling me how she just fucked 3 indian guys yesterday at hotel81 bencoolen. she was saying how they didnt bother with condoms since she's already pregnant so wat the hell they all came in her. (yes i still have not realised it yet) later on she was telling me lost a few things after the orgy. her hp(she doesnt seem the least bothered by it though) and her panties. o_O "didnt u go home last nite?" "nope, onli later" "which means ur not wearing anything down there?" *shakes head with naughty grin* (omgomgomgomgomgomg ytf do these kinda things have to happen to me!?) after eating she ask if we could smoke, and i was like "arent u pregnant?" "yeah i shouldnt smoke right?" "of coz" "oh ok then"ok so we went to meet sherman and while waiting for him at pacific plaza lobby, she was telling me she was on anti-depressant drugs. thats when something inside my head went off and went "uh oh" suddenly i realise the resemblance of her to my collegue at work, brandon, how both are weird, freaky and zombie-ish. infact if i knew a hell lot early i'd run already.

and so we met sherman and she was like trying to kiss him and all. geez... and she was being so sticky and such, urgh. she met the rest of us and everyone agreed they were freaked out by her. finally we all planned to ditch her. told her i was gonna meet my gf and couldnt go for the dance comp. she was sad but ok with it, and she said she'll stay for the dance comp. the rest of us were like trying to dodge and avoid her like hell, infact during the queue i had to squat so she wouldnt see me. i was traumatized. i wish my gf was there, she'd prolly go wallop her or something. me? nah, i cant hit her, or any women for that matter, prolly the reason why i didnt start running already. by the time we went into the club everything looked better as she was mingling around with like everyone lol. then i had a gut feeling and needed to go to wash my hands. true enuf when i came back i saw her chatting with sherman, thank god.(owe u one buddy, infact i owe all u guys for having to put up with the mad woman last nite...) so after she vamoosed i came back and had a fun nite watching everyone in the dance competition.

wilson's team made it gd, but unfortunately didnt get to the finals. i think the opposing team werent sportmanship enuf and all. oh well.after the first rounds were over it was time for the public to dance, and my new found 'fren' took to the dance floor with bombastic moves. and i was like "isnt she pregnant?" then last i heard she flashed her boobies and got thrown out by the bouncer.

man, i think that was one life changing event. i guess i haven changed much as in why this kinda screwy things always happen to me heh. well to u guys who were with me last nite i want to voice my thanks because w/o u i'd not noe wat to do. i was planning to skip the damn competition and bring her elsewhere just so my frens wont suffer. sherman was like telling me to bring her back to borders and just make the run for it. but how can i? its not enuf she'll be stuck there i mean, i'm not that evil(maybe thats why nice guys finish last =\) but anyway since i've not the time to talk to jacq about this i hope she reads it or something lol.i was hoping to get picked up in the club, but this is ridiculous! haha, man... now i noe wat parents mean when "u shouldnt talk to strangers" lesson learnt, i am NOT falling for such a thing anymore. god save my soul... haha *sigh* ._. (thank god i didnt dream of her last nite, and hope to heavens i never will!) dammit jackie, i need u now..."

there i hope u folks enjoyed it. once while i was out havin coffee with ashraf and my rachel @ starhubs wheelock, she actually came over to our table from the sidewalk to ask for the time. of coz i recognized her instantly and immediately sunk into my seat, looking away and covering my face. EVERYONE ELSE DIDNT NOE WHO SHE WAS. she looked similar though, i dun see anymore belly. oh well. anyway told them all about it and they laughed out loud. it was THE michelle. lol. she didnt see me though, and left after gotten the time. she looked more sane and sober though, even sounded professional w/o giving any crazy or dirty looks to the others. lol

Kamelot - March of Mephisto

2005-04-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

now, as promised, the next track i'm gonna feature here is March of Mephisto. 1st track of the album.

for those who aspire to buy or have already bought the album, there's a hidden part of the first track. if u use a hifi or discman, rewind the first track after u play it, u'll find that there's actually something extra there. hehe

here's the link to the music vid for this song. again they used the radio edit vers, of which the keyboard solo isnt inside, sad, but oh well. there's no behind the scenes vid for this one tho.
oh the keyboard solo is by Stratovarious's keyboardist i think. guest musician.

and now onto the lyrics.

Kamelot - March of Mephisto

ASPIRAT PRIMO FORTUNA LABORI
ME DUCE TUTUS ERIS
VOX POPULI VOX DEI
AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM...
AD INFINITUM

You know just who i am
Don't be so distant
Cause when you're lost
I am solely there to share your grief

Wailing your sorrow
Is only my way to comfort you
Reminders of innocent youth
Waiting for morrow you're lonely
I name your solitude
i speaketh the truth

Now tell me all about your pain
Down to the detail
Don't say it's love
Your fragile heart feeds my contempt

Wailing your sorrow
Is only my way to comfort you
Reminders of innocent youth
Waiting for morrow you're lonely
I name your solitude
I speaketh the truth

Chase the heathen call
We belong...you and i
Unison in all you deny

I am the thorn in your side
That seeks accomplishment
Reminding the mortal of death
I am the spore of your pride
An angel heavensent
The master of all
I am the urge of the flesh

Not My Rachel(warning, long post ahead)

2005-04-23T19:41:00.000+08:00

for those who've been getting the wrong idea, no its not rachel thats been giving me problems. infact everything's fine. infact we haven had any problems for some time, cept that last fondling case which wasnt her fault.

i wont mention names, yet, but i'll give u some hints first.
the culprit responsible for my prev post was my 2nd longest running gf i ever had, and the one where i had the most problems with. for those who noe me personally would be able to figure that out even w/o having to mention that, but if those who dun, read on.

since i'm bored at work and with nothing else to do while waiting in between calls, i shall give u, my fans, a little history lesson about all the prev girls i've dated. of coz one of the reason was coz, liyana, ashraf's gf, asked me this question "so have u ever dated a malay girl?" i couldnt help was literally laugh out loud. come on ppl, just because i have a thing for chinese girls, why of which i will explain later, does not mean, i only go for chinese girls. and those who think i'm some kinda buaya, your wrong. i dun just go for any girl, and i dun just fuck around, etc. i do NOT abuse my good looks. thats so unethical. with gd looks, comes great responsibility. now on to history lesson.

1st ever gf: Audrey.
this was back when i was in sec3, around september i think. she was one of my close female frens i had back then. of coz one of my frens shamelessly saboh me into asking her if she would like to be my bf. i never had any gf before u see, she's cute and all. i liked her, and vice versa, but i doubt there was anything more than that. broke up after around a mth. no emotional dmg, it was ok. not like we did much anyway.
met where: sec sch
total time: 1mth

2nd gf: Saharah
now she's the first serious gf i ever had. the one that prolly had the most impact on me, even now. dun jump to conclusions now ppl, lemme finish myself. she was the prettiest malay girl in my lvl. now let that sink in for a while. take note that i was an uber dork back then. not as moody as now, but still a dork nontheless. almost an outcast. had frens everywhere but never really belonged to particular group. there was theepan and sherman of coz, my best frens then, still am. i severely lacked any self-confidence and had inferiority complex. interesting huh? anyway how did i managed to get her when i was just a dork? well at first diff frens told me rumours about her liking and being interested in me. at first it was prolly in late sec3, after i've broken up with audrey, when one of her frens, during recess, came up to me and asked if i was still with audrey, and since i wasnt, he asked if his fren could get to know me. well i wasnt well versed with courting rituals back then, so i said yeah, why not. of coz nothing happened after that, didnt really matter to me. then in sec 4, in jan, a gd fren of mine, muneer, told me she likes me. being the no-confidence kinda person, i asked him to go to hell coz i doubt anyone of her calibre would be interested in ME. me least of all. i had nothing to offer. i was dorky, i thought i was ugly, and i was a sw fanatic(still am, but i dun show it as much anymore, haha) nothing really impressive. then another instance, another gd fren, lutfi, was telling me that during assembly, when we were singing the national anthem, he caught her checking me out, and when she saw that she was caught she quickly act blur and went back to singing and looking at the flag. again i thought he was just joking. then another group of fren was telling me that she was interesting in me, again i dismissed it. one day, i sat down, and used my brains for a bit. many different groups of frens, telling me the same damn thing. could it be a conspiracy? nah, these group of frens do not mix much with each other. which meant, THE RUMOURS WERE TRUE OMGWTFHAVEIDONE!?
that was 2weeks before vday 99. took the liberty of getting her number from muneer, who was a mutual fren of saharah. chat her up. she was surprised to receive my call, coz she had given up on trying to attract the attention of my dense head. haha.courted her for the 2 weeks then officially got together on vday. fell in love with her and all. she wasnt just all looks. she had some brains, and she's a very very observant person, both visually and audibly.(she notices things that ppl normal would not notice, and she can hear songs played in macdonalds above the peak hr noise in the restaurant) anyway she's a gd gf, unfortunately one flaw would be, she is insecure and paranoid. severely. once her BEST fren(keywords best fren) happened to be looking at me, she thought her fren was checking me out, resulted in an arguement, and them not talking to each other for a yr. scary huh? anwyay was together with her for about 5mths, but it seemed like eternity to me. then broke up, due to her thinking i was fooling around(which i wasnt). later i got together with the 3rd gf for a while, before getting back with saharah for another 5mths, before again, losing her trust(not that i betrayed or cheated on her) and her breaking up again, this time, forever it seems. she was the one responsible for opening my eyes as to my own self worth and 'market' value and assisted in grooming me to my full potential. yes folks, this is where the ego started.
met where: sec sch
total time: 10mths

no.3 nazdrah(i think, usually just called her naz)
well, here i was interested in lin at first, i'll talk about her later, but long story cut short, while courting lin, i ended up falling for naz. unfortunately nothing solid was developed later on, and it was for a REALLY short time.
met where: irc, #starwars
total time: 2weeks(rofl, shortest personal record)

no.4 lin
well, she's a really cute girl, first person i ever chatted on irc. chinese muslim... sigh. exotic. anyway i asked to be her bf, but she had problems to settle, hence, to wait for a mth. while waiting, naz(no.3) was mutual fren, and while courting lin, interacted a lot with naz. after a mth of waiting, she was still wasnt ready. since i fell for naz, went for her instead. anyway months later, but i broke up with saharah, my liking for lin came back, tried my luck one last time, this time the response was sooner, a few days to a week i think, cant remember. but in the 2mths we were together, we onli went out ONCE. yes once. and even then with another of her fren. -.-" anyway she wasnt the serious relationships, and couldnt not commit as much as i could. mutual break up. nothing much i could do. then in our last conversation when we broke up, she suggested i give asra a chance, coz she suspects that she has an interest in me, which i suspected as well, but didnt really bother to find out or give her a chance.
met where: irc, #starwars
total time: 2mths

no.5 (edited)
as per requested, i have removed your reference here and anywhere else on my blog
met where: irc, #starwars
total time: 2yrs 3mths(longest running)

no.6 Jacqueline
well wat started as a joke to measure my capability as a kisser and fix her computer turned out to be something far worst it seems.. met her on irc on #starwars. apparently she came into the chan the period my adsl modem was down for 2weeks. by the time i got back on, she has been thoroughly briefed and informed concerning the channel owner. well done folks. fun but unnecessary burdun. nice to be advertised, having my photos blatantly sent to her and all but come on.. anyway after a while we chanced upon the topic of kissing. well since i only have ever kissed asra before, i wouldnt noe how well i kiss. and since jacq have kissed many different guys before would prolly noe. so on some nights before my poly sup paper exams, she came over to my void deck in the middle of the night for company. of coz if i stayed home i'd just be playing on the pc w/o studying. gd idea i thought. wrong. by the end of the 2nd nite, we have moved from the void deck to the nearby playground, and making out(for the record, she says i'm a great kisser, haha). by the 3rd nite, supposed to come over to fix the computer, ended up fixing her instead. for the next 3 consecutive nights. hah. man. as we went out more, she offered and happened to be more interesting than asra, soon i fell for her and had no choice but to choose.. then after getting together with her, things pretty much started to fall apart 6mths later. always broke, this and that. fucked up i say. but i still loved her to bits and refused to let go, going ahead with all the difficulties as a loving bf should have. unfortunately she's the outgoing social butterfly kind, well i'm the, well insecure and paranoid kinda bf. she loves to club, meet up with her frens, most of which consists of guys and ex-bf. drove me nuts. finally she couldnt stand my attitude anymore, and she broke up with me. unfortunately for me since i was still so in love with her, something pretty much died within me. i was a zombie for the next few months. but soon i learnt that that was for the best, for me at least, lest i get dragged down by her own problems, but somehow its still affecting me even now.. *pulls hair* here is where i started smoking and drinking as well. started out with sampoerna, and now prefer onli sobranie. if i have to smoke indonesia cigs, i prefer gudang garam. can smoke almost any brand. beer sucks, hard liqour rocks.
met where: irc, #starwars
total time: 1yr 2mths(2nd longest)

no.7 and current gf, rachel(3rd serious)
months pass, and i could NOT even get a date with anyone. ok i guess maybe i was asking the wrong ppl. i mean come on, i should be able to get anyone with my looks right? wrong. reality bites. anyway i was getting used to the fact that i dun have a significant half anymore, and that i'm single and all(cause i've been going thru relationships back to back, well almost, w/o any resting point, so this was kinda sudden) so nowadays i hang out more in #cosplay, since #starwars was pretty much dead coz almost no one goes there anymore. i've met quite a few of the cosplay ppl before at events and such. met rachel before both when we were both attached. though i didnt find anything spectacular(well coz her irc nick was Yunalesca, so i expected someone pretty =x, and if u spam or disturb her in irc, i will track u from your host address to your actual address, break into your house and kill you) at first, later on after few group outings, i turned up on her radar and she took an interest in me. i was kinda taken a back coz i never really set my sights on her at first. well one is coz i didnt really take nore of her, lol =x. before i knew it she asked me out for a date or 2, to see if things would develop. apparently when she knew me online, she onli knew me as an egotistical bastard/asshole. but she just hadnt seen the nicer side of me, which she did when we went on casual dating. now i dun want to have to screw things up, so instead of screwing the girl first, then get into a relationship later, i went by the book this time. she has become prettier and more attractive than the first time i ever met her. of coz wat my eyes cant seem to get off from, would be her boobs, lol. sorry but i'm wat Alfie would call a FBB guy. Face, Boobs, Butt. yes thats right. C cup onli ladies =x
she had everything imo. not the prettiest girl, but pleasant enuf for my preference. most of my frens seem to tell me its an upgrade from the prev one. haha. anyway i was always one who loved hourglass figures as well.. all this time i didnt noe coz she hid the figure rather well, until i held her waist i was like OMGWTFBBQ SHE HAS HOURGLASS I LIKE!! okok maybe not that bad a reaction but close enuf. soon i fell for her too and am still together with her right now.
met where: irc, #cosplay
total time: 6mths+ and running

phew, that was one long post. started at 2.23pm, and *checks time* after many calls and my dinner break later, i am finally done with this post, haha. anyway fans, expect a new song tonight, i bet u guys are tired of the haunting.

oh yeah, almost forgot. why chinese girls. well i have no interest or taste in Minahs, or stereotypical malay girls. similar to ahlians. most of which have no culture(being rowdy and that malay accent is so disgusting. and they prolly fuck around too) i want eng educated ones. smart, intelligent. pretty.boobs, able to match my wit,etc. yeah yeah, i want everthing. go read my blog theme, i'm guilty of being a perfectionist, pfft. and i thought i'd never date a chinese girl anymore and i was indeed looking for a malay/mixed one, but i just didnt have any luck. hope this also answers any queries on my preferences.

and i hope u guys pretty much figured out which of my ex is responsible for my poverty. ^^

Top Few Things A Guy Should Never Do For/To A Gf/Ex-gf

2005-04-21T18:28:00.000+08:00

well as u've guessed, that usual culprit is again guilty for making this post. i'm so pissed. my parents are fucking me up, and the culprit doesnt seem to be able to solve it. yay. seriously wat did i do to deserve this? i've seen/known ppl who's done worst, more atrocious things than me and not suffer as much. either they're being REALLY quiet about it. or simply coz IT DOESNT HAPPEN TO THEM. cb.

NEVER under any circumstance LEND your extra/sup atm/credit/debit card to your gf. if she's your wife, i guess thats fine. but no matter how charming, nice, desperate, etc she is, NEVER EVER FUCKING LEND HER. lend her cash still can, but the card itself? maybe for a one time transaction after which your there and she returns u immediately is also fine. but for her to keep? no fucking way. i learnt it the hard way, dun let it happen to u as well.
never ever sign up for any service(mobile,internet, etc) under your own name, for someone else, be it gf or not. as close as u can get to someone, ultimately u may not noe wat the FUCK will ever happen to that account in the future. take me for eg. signed up for someone, whom i THOUGHT i could trust. ends up bills not paid, and up till now, outstanding payment not cleared since dec or nov last year. claims have sent cheque, but a quick call to the billing dept and they will tell u a straight "nope nothing received". man, i couldnt have been more gullible. now the credit management companies are after ME. althought the service and billing address is diff, somehow they still managed to trace it back to me and my own house. WELL DONE. learn from this ppl.
if someone u've always been lending money to, who never fulfils his/her promises of having cash returned, STOP LENDING THE PERSON MONEY no matter watever the fuck the reason can be. this would be case by case, look into the person's credit history. if the person isnt even able of supporting him/herself, much less clear their debts, they can go fuck themselves.

this is all i can think of at the moment. for my fans out there, REFRAIN from giving me advice as i have learnt from it and i do not wish to hear anymore words of wisdom. this should serve as a warning to all u lovely dovey couples out there to fucking take care of their own things.

man, i feel like breaking this fucking lcd monitor at work.

ps: for those who've yet to figure out who the person is, go read a few entries back, maybe somewhere earlier this month or late last month. infact i think i always bitch about her and her onli most of the time. go figure.

pps: for those who think its unjustifiable for me to always bitch about her, yadayadayada, think again. u've not seen this side of her. begs me to always not tell others about it so it wont tarnish her rep. well damage control huh? well those who noe her personally and is always getting 'courtesy' smses from her as well, on borrowing money every week or something, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. it embrasses me to hear frens asking "hei, did u get that sms from her again?" i dunno wat to say really. i doubt they even noe i'm the fall guy most of the time. PFFT.

Kamelot - The Haunting (Somewhere in Time)

2005-04-20T00:20:00.000+08:00

Here's the next song. another fav from the album, just as addictive as the prev one, but lasts longer if u were to hear it repititively as compared to the last one.

here's the link to the realvideo of the whole official music video of this song. unfortunately they used the radio edit vers, which was shorter, and unfulfilling as compared to the full song.

and here's the link to the making of that video. same track was used, well done infact, never seen a better behind-the-scenes before. just awesome. infact the female vocalist in the song is HOT. her hair.. her face... omg. i think i'm in love. lol. (u noe not those relationship kinda love, but those idolization kinda love)

lastly a quick fact about the band, many of u might be wondering "so where the heck are they from?"

gd question. vocalist is from norway. he writes most of the lyrics. the rest of the band are from florida. cool huh? not always u have a multi-national, european styled metal band, haha. not to mention the vocalist was previously from a progressive rock band called Conception. wats prog rock? Think Dream Theater. oh and about the vocalist's unique voice. if ur wondering why he doesnt sound like the stereo typical heavy metal vocalists, well thats coz the bugger had classical singing training before when he was young. lol

now on to the lyrics

Kamelot - The Haunting (Somewhere in Time)

Merely the sound of your voice
Made me believe that you were her
Just like the river disturbs
... my inner peace
Once i believed i could find
Just a trace of her beloved soul
Once i believed she was all
Then she smothered my beliefs

One cold winter's night
I may follow her voice to the river
Leave me for now and forever
Leave while you can

Somewhere in time
I will find you and haunt you again
Like the wind sweeps the earth
Somewhere in time
When no virtues are left to defend
I was a liar in every debate
I rle the forces that fuelled your hate
When the cold in my heart leaves
It comes to an end
And quietly i'll go to sleep

How could that first time recur
When memories linger on
What made me think you were her
Helena is dead to all
Nothing can bring her to life
Don't pretend that i'll be loving you
Once i believed she was gone
But i'm corrpted from within

Somewhere in time
I will find you and haunt you again
Like the wind sweeps the earth
Somewhere in time
When no virtues are left to defend
You fall
I was a liar in every debate
I rule the forces that fuelled your hate
When the cold in my heart leaves
It comes to an end
And quietly i'll go to sleep

[Ariel]
Follow me into the light
Leave me tonight
I've gone too far to begin all anew
With someone like you

[Margerite]
Like ice on a lake of tears
I'll take you through
Life fades anew
With someone like you

note: this album is a sequel to the prev album, Epica. both albums are based on the novel, Faust.

New Kamelot Song tonight

2005-04-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

hm, i'm amazed at how many ppl actually read my blog. you, my fans, are wat keeps me updating my blog everyday. doesnt matter if its coz u keep coming back coz of my cat photos.. or the music i periodically change on it.. or my stories. but wat matters is, u come back. *sheds a tear or 2* makes me feel special. *sniff*

anyway, for u folks who wanted to noe more, the most that happened was getting kicked from dad. yes there was some physical punishment dished out. but it was nothing really. kicked my leg at most. a few times, no bruises or lasting pain. all i was afraid off was he'd punch my face. it'll suck to be disfigured, but wat i'd hate most would be the pain. yes, the pain. bruise, broken nose, anything. getting kicked at the legs would be fine, but anywhere else, no way. of coz i was cowering in fear, just like in the photo at near the end of this page, almost. coz i had to cover my head most of the time, dad made lotsa convincing fakes on hitting my head. lol. (i'd link the photo here myself, but that'll take ages since i have to ask permission from the owner first, might as well give him some extra publicity, not like he needs any more, haha)

anyway i'm fine, no permanent damage or watsoever. life goes on.

still waiting for my enlistment letter. sigh. cmbp better deliver it by end of the week, i dun wanna waste anymore time to tender my resignation.

expect a new kamelot track tonight. (sigh and more typing out of the lyrics..)

BOO!

2005-04-18T15:21:00.000+08:00

i wonder if any of u, my fans, thought that i really died since i didnt update immediately on kamelot nor wat my father did to me.

lets that it one at a time.
dad eventually did confront me. well i got scolded, religious lecture, etc etc. i guess one thing i've learnt would be... NEVER TO SNEAK HER HOME FOR MISDEEDS. pfft.
i'm gonna avoid bringing anyone home for any reason whatsoever, be it legal or illegal.

anyway kamelot cd was awesome. but as the prev album, i expected some sort of enchanced cd features, meaning special stuff accessible thru pc, but no there wasnt. so sad. just 2 bonus tracks, radio edits of the normal tracks.

anyway i might order the jap vers soon, they have an extra track not available in the ltd edition or the normal edition.

since the current upload wma file was the same quality as the one i ripped directly, there will be no change. i cant hear any differences, so neither would u folks be able to as well.

now the lyrics to the song(which i had to painstakingly type out myself)

When The Lights Are Down

Rules without exceptions last eternally
Every move you make creates your destiny
I've come to soak my sorrow in halo black
As black as the seal on my soul

Cause when the lights are down
There's no more to say
Love is the real pain
An internal revolution in our minds
And when the lights are down
You're so far away
Tell me your real name
In the silence of the darkness we unite

[Rules without exceptions last eternally
Every move you make creates your destiny]
What can protect me from the past
And all the things that i have done
She told me and then she was gone

But when the lights are down
There's no more to say
Deep in the shadows
Where the last of my delusions made a stand
Cause when the lights are down
She'll take me away
Tell me her real name
And in death we'll live the love we never had

Come all ye faithful beneath the moon
Into the void as one
Marching on

Finally

2005-04-16T17:23:00.000+08:00

finally some good news all week. my kamelot album has finally arrived. brother just called me to tell me about it. expect more songs to be put up. even a higher quality vers of the current song(not like it matters much since its heavily compressed at 32bit mono wma, lol)

Pwned!!!111!1

2005-04-16T13:05:00.000+08:00

sigh

i've gone and done it again. brought rachel home last nite. but something happened. my mum woke up.
thank goodness we were done with the (mis)deed when my mum woke up.
long story short, i was lectured. luckily enuf she didn scold me loud enuf to wake my dad up.
and i thought everything was gonna be ok.

dad just called, wants me to come back home coz mum just told him wat happened.
sigh. the thing i fear the most has happened. my dad noes.

well. this would mean i'm gonna die when i get home from work tonight. i feel like crying right now. if onli i had bothered to hide her clothes and stuff in my room, then this wouldnt happened. we happened to be in the toilet cleaning up when my mum woke up. everything was fine till i noticed my mum went into my room and turned on the lights and find rachel's stuff all around.

fuck.

i'm so scared. i cant focus at work anymore. i dun have the mood to do anything right now. i just wanna disappear. i feel like going to the roof of my work building and hang at the edge during my break. but then again i dun think it would be that easily accessible.

argh
someone help me. why didnt i stick to sop(standard operating procedure). why?
why couldnt my mum just sleep. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO TELL MY DAD!?
he's gonna murder me tonight.

i cant take this shit anymore. my life's ruined.

i wanna go away... disappear..

KAMELOT YEAH!

2005-04-14T14:31:00.000+08:00

i bet u guys cant wait some songs from the new album. yes its not here yet.

but

an online fren had actually downloaded the ripped mp3s from the album. i'm ashamed to say this but i actually couldnt wait any further(hei i paid for it already ok?) and got him to send me the whole thing. the onli thing missing from the set were the bonus tracks. its ok, at least something to look forward to when my cd arrives.

by far this has one of the nicest rythm, energy and power inside, as most of the others are like hard ballards(if there was ever such a type, lol)
unfortunately the lyrics are not on their website and i'll prolly have to wait till my cd arrives before i append the lyrics here.

so without further delay, i present

When The Lights Go Down by Kamelot.

Denied my revenge..

2005-04-13T14:12:00.000+08:00

well. how should i put it.

i dun even noe where to begin. all i can say is, i hate myself for the decisions and plans i made yesterday. why? since i dunno where to start so i'll just fucking list them in point form

rachel msgs me in the afternoon telling me she doesnt want to meet up(which was fine with me at first)
on the spur of the moment, decided to last minute ask out an old fren, whom both our mutual fren happens to be a collegue at work. so since all 3 of us are finishing work at the same time(9pm) why not, i had to submit my timesheets at my job agency, so we planned to have dinner after that
apparently rachel did went out to meet her fren, and then another not-so-close fren joined them.
long story cut short, first rachel's fren had to go off, leaving her with the 2nd fren, a guy(the first was a girl) which was WAY too touchy.
somehow they ended up hanging out below her block, and the mofo tried to be funny, demanding hugs from her, and all, all of which rachel did not consent to or want, even telling him that she's already attached and all.
mofo hugs her anyway, tries to force himself on her, carrying her(yes tall mofo, at least as strong as me) onto his lap, groping her breast and tried to get between her legs, all this in the void deck of her block in public.(wtf?)
of coz after that she forced herself off him and went home

the things i regretted doing, last minute plan with fren(if i knew such a thing were gonna happen, i'd insist on meeting rachel anyway.

i demanded her to get him to meet up tonight so i can confront him and all(and hope he retaliates so i can punch him legally) but she doesnt want that to happen. why?

she's afraid he'll start stalking her out of spite
that there's a possibility that i'll lose to him
she just wants to forget the whole incident coz she's never gonna see the mofo again

wtf? me? lose in a fight? pfft. but she is right. there's always that possibility. a slip, a freak punch to a wrong area of the body, anything.

sigh. its like denying the samurai his honour! he cant even hara kiri! ARGH it was so frustrating. i wished she would have just call me so i could just cab down and protect her or something. thats 2 dents in my record. 2 FUCKING DENTS(this the first with rachel, i'm not obliged to discuss the other, who's of no concern to me anymore)

why cant i be protective and useful. she says that when i'm around no one would try to be funny and all. but where's the kick in that!? i wanna be useful WHEN i'm around. when such things happen, so i can come in with my stallion and shining armour and decap the mofo.

almost couldnt sleep at nite, it was 4.45am by the time i finished talking to her on the phone and my last cig before i sleep. but i just couldnt fucking sleep. i keep thinking. even cried a bit. why cant i be more useful to my loved ones? i noe i'm no superhero, but this just isnt fair! i bet that fucking mofo is mocking and laughing at me too. "HAHAHAHA I PWNZ J00! I GROPED YOUR GF'S BREAST AND THERE'S NOTHING U CAN FUCKING DO TO ME BWAHAHHA"

ARGH THE MOCKERY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

anyway a few mins of tossing and turning, my cat jumped on my bed and start meowing. she must be wondering why i'm feeling this way. she lay beside me and she let me stroke her. pets are indeed theraputic.. after i was at peace once again, did she leave me and my bed and i could sleep finally..

anyway that mofo's nick on msn is retroboy77. those who have this fucking moron on your list, pls do forward me his details so i can kill him. lurks in #power98,galaxynet, unsure of his irc nick tho. such scum are not allowed to live freely and be a menace to society.(i might be horny and perverse at times, but i still have morals and ethics, i do not just fuck around with anyone and everyone, and anyone who thinks they can when the other party doesnt consent deserves to die) and retroboy77 if ur reading this, your head's on my wanted list. ur so fux0red.

confirmed meeting rachel tonight. i hope he appears since he stays around bt panjang area. i dare u to attempt to stalk her. i'll make sure u do not wake up tmr morning.. do not be surprised to see interesting frontpage on tmr's newpaper.. no one takes advantage of my loved one and gets away with it...

ps: to top it all, i've yet to receive my fucking kamelot album. it should have arrived latest yesterday. if its still not in by the time i get back home tonight.. i'm gonna give amazon.co.uk hell..

pps: to those who knows how to pick locks and such, pls do pm me, i've always wanted to learn the tricks of the trade, picking locks and such.

Feature Film Casting Call!

2005-04-10T16:00:00.000+08:00

posting this on behalf of a gd friend of mine..

"MediaCorp Raintree Pictures in collaboration with Ochre Pictures are currently working on a local film project. This film will be shown in cinemas in the near future (you guys might have guessed it due to Raintree's reputation)

The film will feature a stellar cast list that includes Wong Li Lin, Nadya Hutagalung, Vernetta Lopez, Paula Malai (Current Channel V VJ) and Ananda Everingham (the Thai horror flick - Shutter male lead)

I'm currently looking for:

1) An actress (AGED 11-20) to play the role of LI-ANN (little Wong Li-lin)

2) An actress (AGED 11-20) to play the role of KIM (little Paula Malai)

If you are interested in
giving this once in a lifetime opportunity a shot or if you know anyone who might be, please do not hesitate to give me a call. Alternatively, you can email me should you have any enquiries at valentino@ochrepictures.com.

Do include a recent picture of yourself / the person you are recommending and your contact number. I also seek everyone's help in spreading this message around. And don't be afraid to contact me as a chance like this will never come by too often!THANKS!

Valentino Lacson
Casting Assistant
Ochre Pictures / Artiste E. Casting Agency
HP 96974964
valentino@ochrepictures.com"

CAT PHOTOS BELOW!

2005-04-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

finally, the gprs on my hp is working again. maybe there was indeed something wrong with the line, coz starhub recently helped change my service plan. anyway the photos are below for u neko fans to enjoy.

kamelot album still on in, so i guess it'll be by monday i guess =\

2005-04-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

finally some updated photos of my cat hehe. this is when i caught her sleeping late at nite. its on top of one of my dining table chairs. she sleeps everywhere i tell u haha

2005-04-10T00:56:00.000+08:00

my cat has a habit of demanding attention when we're reading the paper. my bro got annoyed and decided to do something cute with her, haha

Presenting BreakDown by BeForU!

2005-04-08T00:16:00.000+08:00

the title speaks for itself.. i uploaded the arcade vers, which is shorter, which ends faster, for those who cant be bothered with anything longer.
lyrics are in jap so.. i'm not gonna post the lyrics u folks gonna have to find it yourself.

BREAKDOWN!

2005-04-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

heh. man i love that song. managed to get the arcade vers. but unfortunately its like, studio vers, not 100% arcade vers, but still sounds better than the live vers. i'll prolly upload the song next(might be annoying to some of u ppl, so just bare with it for a few mins, for the next few days until i get my Kamelot album) when i come home from work tonight.

sigh. soccer might be cancelled tonight, not enuf ppl to play it. ankle still hurts slightly when flexed too much, was hoping to practise it more and hope to get back in fitness, before my napfa test for enlistment. oh well. maybe i'll go play guitar freaks or ghost squad, by far the most interesting games i play there.(i usually play top down airplane shooters like Strikers1942 series) one on one fighting games do not interest me, was never gd in them. its either shooting games like Time Crisis, or airplane shooters.

speaking of which guitar freaks have re-awakened my interest in wanting to play the guitar again, unfortunately i pretty much forgotten everything. well almost everything. i cant even remember to play my fav song, Black Hole Sun by SoundGarden! unexpected. best thing is, all my guitar tabs are lost. cant remember wat happened to them. maybe i lost them when i reformatted my pc last year. sigh. i cant remember the diff chords and such. i guess i'm gonna have to restart from scratch once again.

well's pay's coming. means i wont be broke anymore. vicious cycle. always broke few days after pay. i might be in a decently paid job, but i dun feel like i ever got much positive gains from it so far for a very very long time. maybe a month or so, but i'm back in that cycle(i dun need to explain much about this right? its wat i've always bitched about, lmao)wats the use of being well paid(for my lvl and age that is) when i dun get to spend my money much. my wardrobe is the same for a year odd. i've not bought new clothes nor that deuter air comfort i've been aiming when i just got together with rachel, nor have i had the chance to get a new harddisk. speaking of which its like 3yrs more or less already? i hope it doesnt die before i get a new one.. my cd burner's dead too. can onli read cds, hah. i'm gonna have to do some upgrade and maintainence before i get enlisted, it'll suck if pc breaks down with no one else around to help at home.

hopefully i'll be able to afford a mac in the future. i really do want to get back to my video editing hobby. i've so many projects i've always been wanting to do, but i just dun have enuf cpu speed to process, empty space on hdd to store the raw video, nor enuf ram to do efficient editing.
there's that LOTR extended trilogy music video i wanted to do using Blind Guardian's And Then There Was Silence track.
and.. and.. a music video for Kamelot's Feast For The Vain using Phantom Of The Opera scenes(have to wait for the dvd release i guess)
gee, i bet there's still more that i've prolly forgotten..
sigh

finally i realised something. i just cleanly shaved my face. i look a hell lot fucking younger now. and i realised that.. i might be handsome/good looking/etc, but.. i dun think i have that x factor, or attractive. think brad pitt. no i'm not saying i'm like him. pfft. wat i'm saying is that. he's not like handsome, maybe a bit good looking, but ultimately there's some sort of x factor that makes me severely attractive to a lot of women out there. always had this debate with my frens. being handsome/pretty does not mean ur attractive. i've seen a lot of drop dead gorgeous girls, but not all of them are appealing to me. vice versa for me as well i guess. i look gd, but i dun have that charismatic and appealing x factor.. sigh. not like i'll ever need it anymore i guess. but it would have been flattering..

argh. wtf. why am i typing all this?

someone help..

Warning, Graphical and Mature updates ahead

2005-04-06T13:20:00.000+08:00

sigh. i dun seem to be enjoying sex properly anymore. i dunno wtf is wrong with me. usually i'd sound desperate and all, wanting it every few days, but this time, rachel finished her period, and i've not had it for nearly 2weeks, didnt have the mood for porn or pcc. and when it was time to copulate, i was over and done with within 15mins average. just wat the fuck is going on here? i usually last at least half an hr, to like nearly 2hrs on average. 15mins? fuck, thats like a quickie. ARGH. even then my orgasm was like a fraction of wat it usually is. hell my orgasms lately are a fraction of how orgasmical it usually is. WAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?

possibilities

could it be that my body cant take my smoking anymore and am developing symptoms for prostrate cancer?(GASP) but i dun smoke much! and wat i smoke is the 2nd lightest cigs out there!(5mg tar, 0.5mg nicotine)
had to much sex and body does not need anymore?
depression. hell i dunno the symptoms, but i do noe it affects the activities one usually enjoys, which may include sex.

ARGH. something's wrong with me. most likely its the damn stress and depression, hell i dun even noe if this constitutes as depression. but i do feel down.. i've begun to become more cynical and skeptical..

i hope this dry spell lets up soon.. i WANT to have and enjoy making love. but this is just plain dumb!

help me.. T_T

in other news, have yet to receive my kamelot album, this coming 8th, it'll be 7mths together with rach(yay!) and have been playing lotsa Guitar Freaks in the arcade recently. prolly coz there's the Sobakasu track they have to jam to(its that rurouni kenshin/samurai x 1st season opening theme by judy and mary)

also got hooked to this song called Break Down by BeForU. its one of those all girl jap band/group(not sure if they play the instruments themselves) its available on DDR, drumfreaks and guitar freaks, but since i dun play the last 2, its really enjoyable to play on guitar freaks. and damn song got stuck in head for days now, even went to find and d/l the song last nite. too bad i could onli find the 'live' vers and not the arcade vers. bleh. i hope i have better luck tonight... =\

and sadly, no one has yet to engaged me to social escorting services.. sigh.

Minor Site Redesign

2005-04-03T16:48:00.000+08:00

my blog has gone thru some minor facial modifications. makes the music player and tag board more slightly more accessible(keyword: slightly) as compared to previously. and some banners are more easily seen and accessible as well.

awaiting my new Kamelot album, The Black halo, flying in direct from England. cheapest one i could order. those from US or other parts of europe could amount up to around $50 including the shipping, but luckily i tried all sources, managed to shave off $10, with faster shipping time. ordered from amazon.co.uk. the US site costed more, and the transport time could be anywhere from 8 to 40 days -.-"

the one i ordered from UK takes 7-10days onli. and its cheaper. heh. i wonder which idiots ordered from the US site. so i should receive it say around sometime this coming week.. *rubs hands*

this would also mean a faster change of site music! expect excellant metal to head this way soon...
AKAN DATANG!

ps: on a side note, for those who's wondering why i ordered the album when i'm broke, i didnt plan to be broke, i ordered it before my last amount of money was taken..

line back up. suicidal thoughts. escorting services for sale

2005-03-31T13:45:00.000+08:00

sigh
my line's back up. but my gprs isnt working. checked with my mates in starhub mobile side and they've confirmed that the gprs is activated when line was resumed. might be handset problem. fuck.

well i'm broke again after my pay. this sucks. $0.70 in pocket, $1+ in ezlink and $1+ in bank account. i was supposed to get money, always promised money. now, i dun even have money to return some of my frens, promised made. fuck. ARGH. i prolly nearly lost my job coz i've been late far too many times. was late again this morning. woke up 10mins before i was supposed to report at work. hoping to grab a cab down, i again find nothing in my account. so much for promised money last nite.

so now i am at work. wanting to cry, but i cant. why? coz i dun want my collegues to think i'm some kinda pussy. explaining to them would take too long. they'll prolly give negative critiscm instead of being prositively helpful. at this rate i'll really go crazy too. nah, i wont go imh. i'll just throw myself off the nearest high rise building. fuck wat i'll get in the afterlive. living thru crap everyday is bs. just when life was getting better, this just has to happen. do u really want me to die or disappear jacq? are u really trying to help me? or just making up stories and stalling for time to find money? or has your mental disorder gotten the best of u and made u once again a chronic liar and making up things to make me feel better while u leech off me.

u noe how broke i am, u noe how desperate i am for the money the fucking lawyer has yet to give me. yet u leave me broke. every pay day. i'm sick of this. i'm going mad. i'm seriously thinking of standing on some roof, get the media's attention so u and the fucking laywer will take me seriously and give me my money. fuck i must be stupid to have believe u w/o any hardcopy of the lawsuit and etc. argh. i do not deserve this. my karma is supposed to be over. ur supposed to be out of my life. pls give me back my money and leave me alone..

and due to my lack of funds for self preservation, i will now.. sell myself. not for sexual activities mind u. it seemed like a hassle to find a social escort agency and get a job there to moonlight or something. so for a low fee.. i will accompany anyone(yes even gays) for company, events, functions, etc(NOTE: this is for social non-sexual activities onli). feel free to leave comments, or email me @ m.faiz@swirvemail.com for more information..

i have set up a paypal button as well.. for those kind netizens out there reading this.. any donation would be appreciated..(seriously this aint no april fool's joke)

well until i can get my gprs back up, no new photos of my cat will be updated..
sigh

line suspended!

2005-03-24T16:03:00.000+08:00

just when i took a very cute photo of my cat, and wanting to mms to my email so i post it here, my line was suspended! which means i can onli accept incoming calls/sms onli. fuck. this sucks. argh. i want my line back! cant even sms sweet nothings to my rachel.. T_T

well my ankle's getting better. went to the beach with some of my collegues on tuesday. played volleyball and i knew for certain that my ankle hasnt healed yet, sigh. tried to do a spike, but as i took off from the ground, a sharp pain tore thru my left ankle. fuck. at least there wasnt any long lasting pain, could still play vball and all. sigh. next week's the first week of april and i told most of my soccer kakis at work that i should be able to play by then. but at this rate.. sigh.

anyway the beach outing. went to sentosa, siloso beach, at sunset bay. rachel had this high powered sun tan, spf 130. wow i didnt noe sunblock could go up that high, and apparently its the highest so far. though i came out of it slightly tanned, it wasnt as bad as previously more tanned in half the time i spent at sentosa beach, lol. i didnt notice anything until when later rachel noticed there were tan lines on my upper thighs to my lower abs area where i wore my shorts >_>

oh well, nothing facial lightening cleansers cant handle. at least its not as bad as back when i was in sec sch where i looked like an indian. bleh

new song

2005-03-08T02:13:00.000+08:00

well my gf let me listen to his song by orange range, a jrock/indie'ish kinda band from japan. the track is AWESOME. 3 vocalist, 1 rythm, 1 bassist and the drummer. not your usual mix. but the vocals are nice... the music and the vocals reminds me of a nicer, cooler vers of POD. no point posting the lyrics if no one's gonna understand, lol.

i present, Asterisk by Orange Range.

now concerning life. my ankle's getting slightly better, i hope it heals soon so i can start training for my NAPFA test before ns.. there have been a few mishaps that made my left foot flex more than it was supposed to, resulting in sharp pain. bleh.

oh and i dun think i mentioned it before, but i got Pes A for my medical! no all i need now is the gold standard for NAPFA. not onli will i enjoy a 2mth reduction of my 2yrs of NS, but i'd prolly be posted into a happening vocation! i noe frens have advised me to slack coz no point, but i'd not like to follow the trend. i hope i get into police, they can post me anywhere as long as its police. but if i were to end up in the army... I HOPE WITH MY PES A AND GOLD STANDARD I WILL BE POSTED TO THE MOST HAPPENING VOCATION! choices include SOF, Commandos, air force. weird huh? maybe i'll explain some other time. now time to sleep

more updates (sigh running out of creative titles..)

2005-02-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

"after you helped so many... you'll get tired of it... then one's mind tends to want to take a different course of actions after one gets tired of a constant struggle against what seems to be endless and inevitable... Viola... Instant fallen angel... I've realised over the years... not everyone is that deserving of goodwill and cheer-ons"

read that on a fren's blog. hm, i agree on the part where not everyone is deserving of such help, as ppl would just abuse such kind ppl, but that doesnt mean we should willing take the easier path thru evil.. sounds sad, but this is just my opinion, i have no control over my fren, and will not do anything of that sort to change him. could i be the onli one left with my visions of good vs evil, justice and etc?

well i met rach's mum the other time when i picked her up from work and sent her home. it was at the door of her place, lol. said hi and all, how are you, etc, the usual greetings and pleasantries.. all of which i have anticipated and expected and prepared myself for. wat i didnt prepare for was the ang pao. rachel was giving me chocolate leftovers that she trouble finishing(the same ones which she gave me on vday) so when she passed it to me, she told me her mum wants me to tell her 'gong xi fa cai'. for a while i was just simply puzzled. how and why am i supposed to tell her? am i supposed to go in or something? or wait for her at the door? before i knew it she was back with ang pao. i'm like "O.O WTF!?!?!?" now THAT i wasnt prepared for. so i just told her gong xi fa cai, and she gave it to me. i was so embraressed. didnt expect such things to happen. i didnt even have oranges to give her! but i am happy her mum doesnt seem to mind the relationship..

updates

2005-02-27T12:55:00.000+08:00

apologises for slow updates, my fans..(i should write a disclaimer, saying something about as long as come to my blog, ur automatically my fan HAHA)

well to long story short, sprained my ankle during one of my thursday evening soccer sessions with my collegues. it was towards the end of the game and i think i was too rough when i was going for the ball. ends up i landed in a very wrong accute angle on my left foot, complete with loud snapping sound. for a while there my mind was screaming "OH FUCK THERE GOES MY LEFT ANKLE RACHEL'S GONNA KILL ME". then the pain came and i was rolling on the floor writhing in severe pain. painful to the point where my left leg was shaking uncontrollably. of coz everything turned out fine, for a while anyway. could still walk, so means it was just a sprain. i thought everything would turn out fine and would be able to go to work the next day but i was wrong. i couldnt walk at all. any movement in my left foot would result in, again, severe sharp pain, pain to the point where i was nearly tearing. bleh. went to the doc, was given 3 day mc(woohoo!) now ankle's a bit better i guess, slight pain here and there, cant run much and doc told me no sports for 2 weeks. well no worries i guess.

oh! and i finally got my ns enlistment notification! my medical would be this coming tuesday and my intake will be in june, but thats all the info they have for me. finally! its my turn hehe. i hope i get pes A, and find a way into SOF(wishful thinking really) oh well. i hope i do well for my medical. *looks at ankle* sigh bad timing. well wish my luck my fans!

2005-02-17T03:59:00.000+08:00

and this was the pendant i got for her bday. i had 2 choices in mind and thru the help of my frens in #cosplay, i managed to narrow it down to this one. its white gold with diamonds. not sure about the pointer of the diamond, coz i was in a rush. bought a matching 18k white gold necklace to hold the pendant. and she loves it! i feel so gd... and i was so anxious she wouldnt like it.. heh

2005-02-17T03:55:00.000+08:00

here are the buncha flowers i got for rach. the flowers i've been planning to get to compensate for the boo boo i had anticipated for but clearly i underestimated the size of screw up i had to make up for, lol. those flowers took me a long time to find, a florist even commented that she heard its sold out all around sg x_x. luckily managed to find.. lol and its worth every cent i spent on it...

first time vday screw up

2005-02-15T18:00:00.000+08:00

hm. i had not anticipated having to screw up vday. not at all. what did i do? the night before i even had a minor tiff with her. apparently she spent 3hrs odd to make chocolates for me. and wat i didnt even do for her? get her flowers. might sound superficial, but i guess these kinda small matters matter to her. i should have known..

usually i'd go all out, but due to budget constrains(my pay cheque was submitted after the collection time on sat, which meant it would onli clear today instead of yesterday)i onli borrowed $100 from a collegue. thinking i might spend too much if i got roses for her, i forgo that and pretty much screwed the mood. stormed home after dinner, reached her place around 8pm. gg huh?

sigh. my thinking was that i'd rather spend the $100 on other practical things than having to blow aruond $50 for a buncha flowers. apparently she argued that, i could have at least gotten a stalk of rose for her, but i didnt even get her anything. well done faiz. the one time u bothered to cut corners and not honour your principles and protocols, something like this happens. we quarrelled to the point where she wanted to break up. i guess last nite's tiff was still fresh. sigh.

being a perfectionist..i thought that if i wanted to do something right..i would need to get her the best buncha flowers, not just a stalk or 2. so i did nothing. oh well..tonight's gonna be my redemption.. i've made arrangements as to have her fav flowers delivered.. i hope i can find the pendant i'm thinking of getting for her and all... sigh..

wish my luck ppl..

site updated

2005-02-14T16:03:00.000+08:00

FINALLY. some proper updates. some of my fren's blog links have been updated and new ones added. music's been updated too

its called Karma by my favourite metal band, Kamelot. personally i think this song is their trademark song, it depicts how they are in general. at least in my opinion that is. its one of their best songs(though the drumming's nothing much, cept uber 1337 double pedalling)

the following are the lyrics...

Karma

I am a king of honor
gold and glory
but every king must also die
have I been just and righteous
what is glory
I know I've torn and taken life

and here I stand
a small and simple man

who will trade his karma for my kingdom
a sacrificial rite to render truth
the fire in my soul rejects my wisdom
cause all you do in life comes back to you

I am a king in crisis
counting minutes
there is an ending to my reign
my sins have come to face me
I can feel it
that I have lived my life in vain

and now I know I'll reap
the seeds I've sown

who will trade his karma for my kingdom
a sacrificial rite to render truth
the fire in my soul rejects my wisdom
cause all you do in life comes back to you

am I mad
I feel so void and cold
who can tell
who holds the stories untold
tired and trembling
I am descending
will I have to stay here
and live this life again

2005-02-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

here's a stray cat i found long ago, but didnt have time to post

2005-02-14T15:35:00.000+08:00

*contortionist at work*

2005-02-14T15:34:00.001+08:00

*snore...*

2005-02-14T15:34:00.000+08:00

peek-a-boo!

2005-02-14T15:33:00.000+08:00

here are the long awaited photos of my cat. here u can see her lying on my monitor. the one she puked on and zapped, making me go buy a new one.. the others are of her sleeping on the clear cabinet of my collectable toys..

Interaction quiz

2005-02-12T12:36:00.000+08:00

here's another one of those quizes. the results seems weird too, lmao

You scored as Adult. The Adult ego state is the part of the personality that is most in tune with reality as it gathers information and makes decisions based on the reality of facts. People who score high in this category spend a lot of time thinking, computing and analyzing.

Adult

87%

Nurturing Parent

80%

Controlling Parent

77%

Adapted Child

77%

Natural Child

60%

Interaction with Others Survey
created with QuizFarm.com

multiple intelligence test

2005-02-12T12:18:00.000+08:00

hm, another test that has similar results as to the previous one. *scratches head* weird...

You scored as Verbal/Linguistic. You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers.

Verbal/Linguistic

89%

Intrapersonal

75%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

71%

Logical/Mathematical

64%

Interpersonal

64%

Visual/Spatial

61%

Musical/Rhythmic

36%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com

nothing much to update

2005-02-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

*rubs goatie*
thats right folks. i'm growing a goatie again. those that goes around the mouth, moustache+beard. why? well one main reason is coz.... when i finally met rachel's mum. with a squicky clean shaven face, with teenager looking clothes and rachel happened to dress better and wore heels that made her look taller than me, her mum thinks i look younger than her -.-" and the way she saw us holding hands like small brother tugging on older sister's hand -.-"

she didnt tell me in the face of coz, told rachel, who in turn told me. so initially rachel's brother said i had a goatie, hence i was nicknamed Apek Janggut. its in malay so translated means Uncle Beard. fine, so i shave. now i look too young? grrrrrrrr........

ah hell, rachel seems to like to play with my goatie and all, so i guess i'll keep it. mum noticed the goatie, and asked why i was keeping it, said it made me look old. i just told her i wanted to keep for fun, for variation. she still hasnt suspected that i have a new gf. yay! haha. at least parents wont be bugging me anymore. a relief.

CNY makes work rather quiet. everyone seems to have gone visiting, and those who did call in are usually those non-chinese. was rather slow day yesterday. i actually ran out of websites to surf, lol. impossible? indeed. never thought such a thing could happen. and today, slightly a lot more calls.

well hope to finally see rachel tonight, she went to batam as her mum's side stays over there. her mum's indonesian and her dad's malaysian. stayed overnight there as well. due to some miscommunication and last minute cancellation, wasnt able to see her yesterday. but we should be able to. haha.

and yes, i'm still broke. i guess i'm gonna have live off my gf's ang bao money for now. OF COZ I FEEL BAD. but i have no choice. i dunno wtf is wrong with DBS. money supposed to have come in like last friday. 2.5k. thats right. by right, i should be filthy rich but no. i dunno wtf is wrong. ah well

anyway i better get back to work, too much idling already... lol

what kind of intelligence are you?

2005-01-29T10:24:00.000+08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

What kind of soul are you?

2005-01-29T10:03:00.000+08:00

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention
In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you
You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial
And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive

You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy
You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define
A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.
Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Zero Telorance for Abuse and Cruelty to Cats

2005-01-23T19:16:00.000+08:00

i was happily playing maple story at home last nite, when my mum called me out to see the news on tv. there was footage of 3 teenagers abusing a kitten.

my head kept repeating this qn over and over again to myself. "WHERE IS IT!?" short and simple. simply put, i was asking, where was this happening in singapore, hoping it was something realtime, and hope to rush there in time to save the poor kitten and beat the fuck out of those bastards. my body trembled, nearly teared, i felt helpless, but i had to remind myself that its video footage, something that happened before, not realtime.

i then finally managed to ask my mum where in sg did this happen, she said it was in australia. one of the 3 bastards actually ran over the kitten with his bicycle. the kitten was stumbling away towards the end, and another came up to it and looked like it was about to kick it when the footage ended. i thought the kitten died, but found out from rachel today that it was hurt badly, but very much alife.

even as i type this, my breathing and heart beart tenses, tears form in my eyes. i cannot tolerate abuse and cruelty to cats. i'm not sure as to abuse to other types of animals, but seems that feline abuse rates as the most common one, imo anyway. i love cats. i adore them. they are to be loved and cared for, no matter how much of bitch or attitude they give u, ultimately they're still animals, not thinking human beings(though i've seen cats smarter than some humans tho... >_>)

its a gd thing those 3 fucking kids are getting charged in court. serves them right, and i feel relieved that the kitten survived the encounter, i do hope it does not tarnish its impression of humans in anyway.. i feel sad whenever stray cats are afraid to come to me to let me pet them, stroke them..

i do hope no such things will happen in sg, at least not in my view, or else i will exact the most ultimate vengence on the abuser. i've been brought up interacting with neighbourhood cats(well almost) interacted with cats from my old house to new one, to the cats in my sec sch, to those in poly, and now my own cat, Noi, at home.

my parents said that back when i was a toddler, whenever i saw a cat roll and stretch on the floor, i would follow suit. i sleep like a cat too, up till now, sometimes waking up in odd positions, and many body aches..

there was once back in poly, there was a classmate who poured bandung on a cat i was feeding in the cateen during our lunch break. i pretty much snapped and went berserk on him. and my classmates had to tear us away from each other. we pretty much snapped at each other for the rest of the day, even nearly going head on with each other again. then for about a yr, we didnt talk to each other anymore, next time when we finally manage to forgive each other, he never dared do anything to cats anymore, and i am grateful for that...

cats are my life. this is a warning to all you cat-abusers out there. there's an avenger in town and hurt any cats in front of him, and he'll kill u before the cops can nab u. if u think i'm not serious, then think of how fiercely i would defend and protect my gf. apply the same amount of anger and violence. thats right. i might just even break into your house and slit your throat. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

My Girlfriend

2005-01-18T20:53:00.000+08:00

i'm kinda dedicating this entire post, to my gf, rachel.
why i'm doing this? well i thought it'd be nice to do something in her honour, and i guess at the same time showing her off? XD since i'm not able to do it irl to my frens, i guess i'll just have to talk more about her here then, LOL.

i have to admit, to my shame, that i hadn't considered or thought of her ever being my gf. well 3 reasons.

1. i didnt think she was attractive at first(before we started casual dating, i onli like saw her a couple of times onli?)
2. i was judging the book from the cover, i didnt think she would have wat it takes to be my gf
3. i pretty much wasn't looking for a chinese gf to begin with, so that avenue was kinda closed, with chances given to exceptional cases.

i have to admit again when she was asking me out for dates, i didnt think, at first, that anything would develop.
(for refresh of how things happened, pls refer to this post http://moodydork.blogspot.com/2004_10_03_moodydork_archive.html)

now? heh, i'm deeply in love with her. lemme just list out the things that i'm rather happy about.

she's quite pretty and attractive actually. i've been getting lotsa thumbs up and approvals from a lot of frens from different cliques and groups. hell even my cat is rather responsive to her, lol. doesnt ignore her like she usually does jacqueline, LOL
same frequency. she's onli 19 but i think our mindset is quite the same. i guess i'm gonna have to admit that parents are right when it comes to dating and etc, that guys should find someone younger, lol
she watches lotsa anime, infact much much more than i do, so i dun really find it awkward when it comes to talking bout anime to her. as a bonus point to make u guys out there jealous, she watches/reads hentai anime/manga as well... hehehehehehe
but she's quite an intelligent girl, with an excellant command of english, both written and verbal. she can ALMOST run circles around me in english, almost, and its quite a challenge when it comes to verbal sparring with her
as she's intelligent, means she has quite a backbone of her own, but to my delight, she has the perfect amount of independance. not too much that she'll dominate or make use of me, but rather she's 'submissive' most of the time(unless i happen to step on her tail, thats then i'm fux0red)
she has a little bit of paranoia, so she does show her concern over me now and then
here comes the superficial and shallow and physical part, she has a rather nice body... i never liked thin(or fat) girls much to begin with(unless case by case) but hers by far is the most perfect proportions i've had in a gf... *drools* firm C cupper... houseglass figure(didnt noe she had this until we got together and held her waist) and a ample hips and ass... pretty much wat i want for physical attributes in a girl.
she noes her stuff and she VERY gd in it. willing to try new things too. heh, speculate and go figure people, u noe wat i mean...
i guess, as a footnote, she has all the gd points of all my prev gfs, plus she has her own uniqueness added in. awesome combination, a man can ask for no more..

well i'd like to elaborate more but i'm running out of time at work, so i guess i'll continue later at home... hehe, well thats if there's anything more to elaborate on ^^

accurate personality test..

2005-01-15T11:14:00.000+08:00

take this test. i swear u will not regret the time spent. i, for one, have found out wat kinda personality i have. subconsciously i knew it, but i was never able to explain or elaborate in detail on it. i am just not expressive enuf with words verbally. but after reading my results... my god...

here's the link
myers-briggs personality test

i got ISFJ
here he's my results

----------------------------------------

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: ISFJRevision: 2.4
Date of Revision: 20 Jul 03

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

-------------------------------------------------------------

those i've highlighted in green pinpoints the areas which i'm guilty of, subconsciously doing and never really realising consciously.. when i stop to think, i'm like "hei, the statements are correct! so thats why i'm behaving like that!"

those in red, pinpoints wats not true at all. i'm sure i'm suited to many other jobs, hell i cant teach for goodness's sake! and dun fight in a confrontation? BRING IT ON!

anyway all i wanna say is, this is the kinda person i am, i was never able to express it before, but i do it now. for those who have misunderstood me, pls take a moment to read... i would appreciate it a lot..

GG!

2005-01-11T14:56:00.000+08:00

http://nothing-in-writing.blogspot.com/2005/01/gender-equality-means-drop-kick-to.html

now THAT is awesome crap. lol. i dunno wat to say. its almost exactly the kinda thing i'm thinking about, yet cant explain in proper sentences. i have to admire this dude. his sarcasm is top-notch, his comman of english is... beyond excellance. i have to name him our very own real life Foamie(http://www.illwillpress.com)

i have no idea who the heck that guy is though, happened to be on the same blog list(http://www.thehottestblogs.com/index.php) as mine. and the description was rather interesting.

well i had to post this first since i forgot to post the before/after photos thingy >_>

soon.. hehe

reflections of the past..

2005-01-10T12:02:00.000+08:00

"wah lau eh! ppl like me already got problem finding gf from own race, still got other race compete with me!"

man. that was like the statement of the month. well, back last yr though. sometime in may or june. was said by an ex-collegue, steve, when he found out my gf then, was chinese, lol. although he meant it in jest, he said it in the most 'du lan' and serious manner, making it sound funnier than was intended. i was like loling till i teared. haha...

sigh the gd old days...
that was when i was still with jacq. he was one who didnt seem to be lucky with girls much... i wonder how's he doing now..

on another note, do not eat too much delifrance food. its damn fattening. i mean, its like, i used to be uber skinny, and i was already a fast food junkie! that means i have high metabolism. i even worked in pizza hut before and was like eating pizzas on every workind day. haha. till i worked in delifrance. the food is evil... keep away from it! i guess its my fault i had a sandwich with wet fillings(tune/chicken mayo) every working day. soon i put on too much weight for even my metabolism to handle. at this point of time, damn fats/calories are still there =my metabolism is like burning the food i am recently eating onli, yes i still am a fast food junkie.
sigh

maybe i'll post a before and after delifrance photo when i get home tonight, lol

Happy New Year!

2005-01-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

hm, the countdown wasnt as i expected. never bothered to go for countdowns back then, and this time when i did, there weren't any fireworks -.-

heard later the next day that it was cancelled by the pm or something, coz of the tsunami incident. ah well.

anyway went to esplanade there, near the bridge, to countdown. was with rachel, and a mutual fren. planned to go clubbing after that, to embassy. but apparently it has long closed down, and i didnt noe, lol. then headed down to clarke quay to find a spot. rachel badly wanted to go clubbing coz she never been before, and she wanted to dance. me? hell i just wanted to drink. so we walked around, until we found this happening club called 1 Nite Stand. cheesy name, but nice music, complete with live band. entry fee costed a bomb tho, $30 with 2 free drinks. maybe not, ah but who cares. we went in. since rachel and my fren dun drink much, they took a free drink each and gave me the coupon for the other. total 4 drinks, 3 tequila and 1 vodka shot.

back then i never bothered much about dancing, but i guess no harm trying, and just to make sure nothing happened to rachel, lol. maybe it was the alcohol that helped loosen me up as well, gd thing. danced thru the nite. from hip hop, r&b to rock to retreo. hell i was even dancing and singing along to hiphop/r&b. i dunno, i still think its the alcohol. when i sit back and think about it, i shudder. lol. i'm sur eu guys noe me not to be a fan of any music nigger'ish. ah well. new experience. rachel loved it and would like to go clubbing again. zouk i think.

kinda scared though.. makes me wonder if this was wat jacq was like once when she was much younger... i do hope rachel doesnt get addicted to clubbing though... i guess once in a while is fine? but always? that'll be something to worry about... *prays*

anyway happy new year ppl. lets hope this year brings about better things than the last..

on a side note, i think the increased mass destructions, ie the tsunami incident, is a sign that the end of our world, is coming. its an omen, a sign. i've got mixed feelings about it, neither happy or sad about it. i just hope it comes maybe before i turn elderly.. coz as much as i wanna have a long life, i dun wish to become old senile and useless..

nothing to update

2004-12-30T16:42:00.000+08:00

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Ziomatrix&nextdate=10%2f26%2f2004+23%3a59%3a59.999

"Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Dark Side: HAHAHAHAHA I got better stamina than the sex god... I love it XD Lovin it lovin it lovin it.... even my succubus spawn got better stamina than him muahahahhahaa..."

comment made by my gf's ex bf, lol. i dunno if i should get mad or laugh at it. well i noe there's no need to explain myself really, but all i have to say to that comment is that, it was the fasting month, and i happened to be working so.. i was pretty much tired.(yes the sex god refers to me -.-' i'm sure everyone noes about my imfamousness. i'm so condemned that its an unspoken fact, lol)

well i'm not mad of coz, but that particular post was funny as hell. somehow while going thru my gf's blog, which she doesnt seem to be updating anymore, found a link to her ex's blog, who's a mutual fren as well. and he pretty much knows my reputation and all. so when he found out that i wasnt handling rachel as well as i should, i guess that pretty much made him somewhat happy, lol. not that it matters much.

now that fasting month's long over, and i've gotten more than enuf rest, and nothing a couple of redbulls cant help with, i guess i'm kinda back on my throne, i think. based on statistics, i guess he's lasts longer in 1 session, from what i've heard of wat he's capable of, from himself and rach that is. he's insane i tell u. at most ppl go for 2nd rounds or 3rd at most. but the mofo does it in roundS

yes, plural. lol. overkill, can one even maintain proper erection after the 2nd or 3rd? gosh. but i guess for my case its the frequency in a week, while, based on what i've heard, his is onli like once a week? AND i do think i'm still better in 1 go, prefer quality over quantity, something i had to adapt to previously.. ah hell who cares, i wonder why the hell am i even bothered to post about numbers and statistics... bleh. isnt supposed to matter. everyone has their gd and bad pts, pros and cons.

as much as i wanna live up to my reputation about being the sex god, there's part of me that rejects the part about how i'm always so buaya. =its like collegues at work expect me to noe the names of every girl in the damn office... or even new girls! its nuts i tell u. have i conjured up so screwed an impression, an image that i'll never be looked the same ever again? lol sigh. and if i were to tell ppl that i'm shy, i'll get cursed and sweared at, spit on even. bleh. ._. just because i noe alot of these stuff and apply them so well doesnt mean i'm gd with girls! man. talk about uber misconception. i'm sure rachel understands. i mean she thought i was some kinda jerk with a super inflated ego online, but apparently she found me to be a nice guy in person. see?

come on guys, lol, u seriously cant believe everything i conjure up. i mean its true some of the ego'ish things i've said might sound far-fetched but its true! =x

ah well, i guess this will have to do to fill in the empty updates at the same time.

oh and happy bday to my best fren, Theepan Prakash. i tried to msg u the other day, i didnt realise something was wrong when u didnt reply, ah well. catch up with u sometime again buddy. may your dreams come true...

and sherman, where's that party u were mentioning about! I WANT BOOZE. I WANNA GET HIGH. XD

sigh. i need some adventures man, i need to challenge ppl to drinking. i wanna show ppl that the indian blood in me doesnt just make me look gd, but last longer when it comes to alcohol. lol. ok i'm bullshitting too much. better get back to work

till then... *bows*

any comments on the song? any complaints? lol

my mouth is faster than my brain

2004-12-22T14:48:00.000+08:00

well, isnt that an enlightenment
i never thought i was someone like that, but apparently i am. and due to my sharp tongue and lack of wit, i have successfully, though not intentionally, hurt and pissed off my gf. its about those using of hacks in multiplayer games and all that jazz. i guess i'm gonna have to accept that there's bound to be these kinda people and i'll leave the justice and right doing to the game administrators. infact it was due to a simple misunderstanding which led me to... 'suan' my gf concerning the use of hacks.

i preached ethics and morality, and tried to impose my beliefs on her. sometimes it sucks to be too gd of a guy and try to live life in black and white even though everything's grey. she's so pissed and hurt that she wanted to break up with me.

on a side note, went johor with family yesterday, even bought 2 sets of necklace with matching earrings. oh how i longed to give her those... now i fear i will never have such a chance anymore.

she wanted to break it up with me last night, telling me to go find a girl who looks at the world in black and white as she has always been grey. she thinks i'm deliberatingly screwing things up so she will break it off with me. why do i have to resort to cloak & dagger and mind games? i'm a straight-in-the-face blunt kinda person. if i really wanted break up, i'd just tell u so...

i'm sorry if i tried to change u. its a habit i've been trying to kick for a long time already, infact i thought after jacq, i have changed. but apparently its still lingering in here somewhere...

i do apologise and i am really sorry to hurt u and piss u off last nite.. pls dun break up because of this... at least allow me to present u the necklaces i've chosen for u.. something i figure that would fit u, and just u, not anyone else..

biggest blunder @ work so far yet

2004-12-16T18:45:00.000+08:00

well its been a relatively smooth day at work, no complains really. though there was this last call that i picked up, concerning upgrading of his cable tv(catv) analog set-top box(STB) to a digital(dtv) one coz he wanted to take up Animax. ok fine, anything goes. usually we can provision such things and schedule an appt for tech to come down to his place to install. but apparently he was talking to me so nicely that i didnt bother looking up if there was any existing contract for his catv. after he put down the phone THEN i realised. coz if there's a contract means i would have to liase with another dept to do the conversion from normal catv to digital one, as there's a contract and they would need to backdate it. coz if i anyhow cancel the existing contract, BAM, contract penalty kicks in. if i backdate it to the start of contract, yes possible. but if i were to reprovision it for the dtv one, then the monthly charges will revert back. not sure if any of u guys understand wat i'm trying to say but its ok if u dun. and now i cant even contact customer to tell him the appt cant be tmr. SIANZ

anyway changed the music. its long, so pls dun kill me. i hope to do something about my blog layout soon. thats if i remember how HTML works. sigh

MD's 1337 |-|4X0R5 101

2004-12-12T14:30:00.000+08:00

lol, sorry, couldnt resist speaking in 1337 lingo. its when ppl use numbers to replace certain letters in the word, to make it look 'cool' and 'professional' like someone who noes how to use the computer very well. the 1337 language was derived from hackers/crackers. the diff between those 2 are, hackers hack into the game w/o the intent to cause damage, but rather they do because they can. crackers? well those are the malicious ones, intent on helping the piracy trade bloom by cracking games and programs, and prolly the ones creating viruses, worms and trojans. then gamers began to pick up the 1337 lang, so now its been kinda diluted. although today's post is not about the 1337 lang, i will post a few examples for those who have no idea wtf i am talking about

fuck = fux0r
what = woot
the = t3h
porn = pr0n
hacker = hax0r

i think u get my drift.
today's post, everyone, is about hackers and cheaters. not those that crack programs for piracy, but rather those that use use programs/hacks/etc to gain illegitimate, unscrupulous, unethical and unfair advantage in multiplayer games. i mean, if they wanna use those things, for SINGLE player games which doesnt affect anyone else, well by all means, GO AHEAD. but using hacks in multiplayer games which, directly or indirectly, affect others, is not onli selfish, but disruptive for the fun of playing it w/o hacks.

lets take into consideration the latest craze since gunbound, maple story. (http://www.mapleglobal.com)

i wont explain into detail wat kinda mmorpg game is it, u can click the link above and find out yourself.
anyway earlier in the game, there were like a LOT of hackers, which means they think they can lvl up fast and all that jazz. now after subsequent patches, hackers have been greatly reduced. i have to admit, the post was rather overdue now since the number of hackers have been reduced greatly. but i just felt i should take the time to at least voice out my self-righteous anger and preach about ethics and morality one last time(concerning this topic that is).

consider this paragraph taken from this website, http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20000724/pritchard_pfv.htm

"The sad truth is that the Internet is full of people that love to ruin the online experiences of others. They get off on it. A great many cheaters use hacks, trainers, bots, and whatnot in order to win games. But while some openly try to wreak havoc, many really want to dominate and crush opponents, trying to make other players think they are gods at the game -- not the cheaters they are. The only thing that seems to bother them is getting caught. Beyond that, no ethical dilemmas seem to concern them. The anonymity and artificiality of the Internet seems to encourage a moral vacuum where otherwise nice people often behave in the worst possible way. A big factor in this is a lack of consequences. If a player is caught, so what? Are they fined or punished? No. Are they rejected by the people they played against? Usually, but it's so easy to establish another identity and return to play that discovery and banishment are no barrier to those with ill intent."

u can click the link and take a peek. lol, i think if i had cheats/hacks, i think i can do about almost anything in such games, so i pretty much dun need to play it anymore coz i'll prolly own u all in the end. hah. fat hope. i'm gonna show all them hackers i'm gonna come out with a better character than theirs. at least half of my collegues at work play maple story, and a handful of them use hacks. since they're my frens, i really cant say much directly although i do voice out my displeasure. i do hope to best them at the game, coming out the better player, and all that jazz, doing the legit way. and secretly i hope their accounts get banned or something, haha. that should stop them from hacking ever again. hehe.

but thats just wishful thinking... all that matters now is that hackers are now reduced, and that i'm gonna own them all one day...

PS: sorry for the stale music, my fans. i've been too caught up with maplestory to the point where i dun post or update my music, lmao. have a nice piece for u all to listen to... hope to update it tonight at home...

2004-12-02T19:06:00.000+08:00

yay! here it is! finally, found a way to 'smuggle' the screenshot off my office workstation and back home to post. well, this should be proof enuf to join warriors2 and play! click on the banner below my tagboard to join. ^^

Warriors 2

2004-12-02T13:02:00.000+08:00

well, its time i advertised my other fav webbased game other than utopia(http://games.swirve.com/utopia)

warriors2 is also a web-based text rpg, similar to mud u do away with the need to use telnet to connect, and its so much more colourful! u dun need a gamemaster as its there's already a storyline there. sounds limiting? well as much as the story might be the same, but there unlimited non-linear way of playing it. its not as easy as one may think, i go crazy thinking of solving riddles and quests, or trying to find the money to upgrade my equipment. and the game system is everchanging! there's always something new to look forward to. infact they've just finished with a ingame competition where one could win a PS2. just how many web-based games give u that. there's even a loyalty bonus! i'll let u guys read the official features found ingame, and maybe u could sign up and play around it a bit and feel for yourself why i've been hooked onto this game for YEARS! (yeah, played it before the game became 'retail' but my isp somehow had routing problems to the website, making me think the game was down forever, until i accessed it thru another and found out it was up and running for sometime already! will post the screenshot of the main page with my profile on it! i wonder when it will be shown again, hehe)
on with the official description...

Warriors2 - A game for you?

Warriors is a fullscale EPIC adventure, even if it looks simple in the beginning. The simpleness of the game is actually a part of the game idea! Even if you've never ever played a game before, you should be able to enjoy warriors, and even if you are a SuperGamer, you should be able to find stuff that amuses you!Warriors2 includes both mythological parts about the gods in Valhalla, and fantasy things like orcs and dragons. In this unique combination you will be able to discover both!The gamegoal is to become one of the Gods of Valhalla, So are you up for a challange?This game contains the following features:

Easy to use, Warriors2 is played in your web browser, you don't have to install anything! Easy!

181 different enemies, stretching from Spiders to Dragons! The monsters in W2 has an AI that makes them smarter than in many other games.
4 Playable races, These races have have different advantages/disadvantages. When you have made it with all four races, you unlock a Special race.
12 different worlds with over 80 different locations. Amongst those places you can find Dungeons, Workshops, Stores, Joustingranges, Taverns and much more.
26 different pets. Pets are Animals, and Beasts that can fight for you. They can also help you with other things.
over 14.000 different followers. Along your adventures, you will find followers, these characters help you in battles!
over 249.000 different items. Items can be everything from a lousy Hat, to a mighty Sword with Godly magic!
214 Quests. Quests are given to you in W2 from various types of characters, from farmers to the king himself!
+ MORE . Warriors is constantly evolving so you can never know what to expect when you login tomorrow!

Welcome to the epic saga of WARRIORS2

reflections of my life

2004-12-01T15:08:00.000+08:00

well, its time to do something different for a change. i'm gonna change myself! haha, for the better, and hopefully too. wat initiated this change? well. for one, my horny and flirty jokes(can those be considered flirty even? i dunno, but nvm too late anyway) online seem to piss her off. previously usually it'll turn other ppl off, as i'm easily one of the most conceited guys in the channel. infact i think anywhere for that matter as well! lol.

anyway the story goes like this, back months ago, we were 'high' and were joking bout creating a localised vers of the imfamous porn site, BangBus.com, calling it BangMPV, since its more convenient to do it in a MPV rather then a van. so, as usual, i'm casted as the male porn star. had lotsa fun and laughter. soon it became a rather common topic, an urban legend, and i acquired a new nickname. i am the FMFH, the Fucking Machine From Hell. it cracked me up, and i loved the new nick and attention i've been getting. for laughs that is, not from girls. anyway last nite, again i joked about being the FMFH, and i guess that was the last straw for rachel. unfortunately i pissed her off early that day due to a miscommunication. and she actually got really pissed. the fact she got pissed by a joke pissed me off even further, she apparently is much less tolerant on this matter than jacq, which kinda surprised me. many arguements and quarrels and a phone call later(she didnt even wanna pick up at first, kept cancelling up on me), i guess the onli way was to change. she said something bout how if it was joked in real life, damage would be minimum and damage control can be applied, but online nothing can be done? and it reflected badly on her as my gf. i'm having a hard time understanding that line of thought, but nvm that.

it saddens me for this to happen again and again. and i almost just lost it, as in just breaking it off there and then on that very whim. thankfully she picked up the phone and we kinda talked about it. well u'll get your wish rachel. i'm sacrificing something that makes me, me, for u. i'm gonna do away with the horniness and ego. i'm gonna be your average joe, complete with low profile status. i dunno how it'll feel to, be similar to the masses, but i guess there's a first time for everything. maybe i should start playing parapara too huh? LOL. just maybe, damn beat and tunes are finding a way into this metalhead. blasphemy huh? haha. dun worry metalheads, i'll always be a metalhead. ROCK NEVER DIES! \m/

anyway i'm gonna have a hard time now, since my reputation precedes me, and that everyone's impression of me seems pretty much entrenched in their heads, i guess its gonna take some time to be the new me. well i guess i'm still the horny bastard, but i guess i'll onli be showing it to that special someone onli. ego? thats gonna be tough, but i dun really have much choice. mum thinks i'm always looking down on ppl and i should be more down to earth and more humble and all that jazz, i guess she just got her wish too.

well i'm looking forward to all this as i believe it can make me a better person. i bloody hell hope so.

presses Y on keyboard, types GG! and presses enter "GG!"

2004-11-29T15:13:00.000+08:00

GOOD GAME!(gamer lingo,esp in cs, when after every map the players will go GG! to say comment how good that particular map/round was, or in layman lingo, SONG BO!?)

omfg. i dunno why i've been rather dorky these few days. contrary to my moody dork nick, i am NOT always dorky. moody yes, dorky, sometimes. it is a nick that i adopted as it was the nick of my my idol...shinomori aoshi from the anime rurouni kenshin, or more widely known as samurai x. anyway he was once called a moody dork by yahiko(aka yaoshi in sam x) coz he was always gloomy and moody. hence i took up the nick. apparently i'm living up to it T.T

just a couple of days back i was wearing my jeans. and there u have it, i forgot to zip, and rachel had go "L for Love" doing the L sign on the forehead. think the Dodgeball movie. of coz it wasnt for love it was for L for Loser! i was wondering why and she pointed to me. -_____________-'

man, if it wasnt bad enuf, just today, i was leaning back on my 1337 black office chair(those that comes with cushioned back, wheels, armrest, the ability to lean back, the works) to throw away tissue paper. but apparently the wheels were in no position for my to lean too far back, and shortly after i threw the tissue, i overturned and fell. man. i was SO embraressed. i mean, wtf. its been EONS since i fell off from leaning! and this is an office chair! they're not supposed to do that! got lectured from one of my teamleaders, simon, lol. and because the place i sit is like far away from the other maxonline helpdesk collegues, i'm on the same row as the mobile wireless team(starhub gprs/mms/gee! helpdesk) and at least 4-5 of them were like staring at me and were trying to stifle their giggles as they got back to their work. man. there goes my pride dignity and..and... ego? gd god. there goes watever reputation they had of me! its like being in sec sch!

oh well..

ignore prev post

2004-11-27T17:28:00.000+08:00

sorry ppl. ignore the prev post. it was written in pure hatred and anger. lets just say i let those emotions get to me and blind me and put the blame where it doesn't belong...

i'm sorry jacq for being such a bitch. i appreciate u having try your best to get everything settled for me, for explaining why rachel behaved that way, and suggesting wat to do.. will call on your assistance if necessary.. i'm sorry to have blamed u for almost everything when at least half is mine to blame.. i'm sorry to cause your blood pressure to rise and all..

u said that i have not changed, ur right. i'm still the delusional mcp who thinks he's always right and everyone else is wrong. thank you for your feedback and waking me up... i really do hope u get well soon.. and no i did not mean when i said u can die after settling my stuffs... i do hope u get well soon and enjoy the fresh air and life once again..

rachel, sorry for being such an asshole. i hope u forgive me and give me another chance. i'm sorry for not allowing myself not to be pacified by you, i didnt acknowledge that have been trying your best, always being there for me, apparently i seemed to have it for granted and ignored it when i needed it the most..

i noe i seemed to have always perpetually digging my own grave...putting my foot into my mouth and shooting myself in the foot eversince we got together... but i want u to noe that u mean a lot to me, and i am trying my best not to do things to piss u off on purpose.

i hope u wont be cold to me tonight, i really do hope to make it up to u... i missed u so much eversince u went away for your japan trip.. the last thing i want is to lose u when u just got back...

but if u do not want to be together anymore, i understand and will yield.. there's some things in life even a perfectionist cannot control...

watever your resolution rachel, i still love you..

Fux0red Part(i forgot how many i've been in already)

2004-11-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

well lets see, how screwy was my day? supposed to go to work, but overslept and ended up MIAing at home again. rachel's finally back in sg, talked to her last nite, missed her so much, but that wat i'm feeling now. i'm feeling severely annoyed, pissed and frustrated. not just at 1 person. here, jacqueline was supposed to go to dbs hq and collect money to return to me. but she's still stuck in hospital. way to go jacq. promised since wed, but due to unfortunate circumstances she has had an asthma attack and is now in the hospital.well i'm trying my best not to sound cold and heartless, but i dun care really,i just want my money back.pls dun tell me sad and sappy things and make me pity you.i have the capability to, but pls dun take advantage of it and make me suffer with u.watever happens to u, pls dun drag me down later on.i dun care wat u think of this post later on,i dun care wat ppl will think of u either,if they really noe u well,they'll understand your situation, if not then too bad. watever it is, u better not die, YET. gimme my money back. then u can die all u want.i do not intend to keep contact after the money is returned.dun ask for favours,etc.leave me alone.and dun bother calling and asking me about this post. i'll just hang up on you.

there goes my plans for the day. as a perfectionist, do u noe how irritating it is when your plans fuck up? and for a long time it seemed to always been jacq's fault. cool huh? of coz u all have to take note that this is my perspective. u all are entitled to your own perspectives so dun let mine affect yours of jacq.so dun come and blame me for changing their perspective of u jacq.u can tell me all u want, your perspective/opinions doesnt count. its my blog and i will write watever the FUCK i want. I.DO.NOT.CARE. everytime i DO care, i suffer. i dun mean to be selfish, but why should i help u and suffer later when i'm not even your bf?

anyway other than that we have rachel.i was simply talking about how i think creative mp3 players and the ipod, no matter how small their physical size, or the amount of data they can hold, i feel the battery life is wat i think is the factor. coz by far, all memory/hdd-based mp3 players will have a rather short batt life span. meaning up to like 20hrs average playtime. to me, no matter how much the amount of songs u can hold,u'll have onli 20hrs of playtime before recharge. thats right. 20hrs on average ONLI. that means u wont be able to like, have an ipod on the go for a long time. which imo, sucks. why? well its rather hard to explain, i for one, would find the charging of the ipod annoying.and the amount of space available is just far too much. waste of space and money. lets look at the more cost effective solution. mp3 discmans. think sony. now thats some impressive piece of hardware. why? if ur a person who's like me, soon u'll understand. the kind of songs i listen to, can be squeezed into 1 blank cd. and with the rechargeable slim batts, and the external AA batt casing, the discman can last up to 80hrs i think? and thats on audio cd. if it played mp3, it'll last longer. which means all my fav songs on 1 disc, with shuffle on,running on both batts. now if i listen to an average of 1-2hrs a day, that would mean the discman can last me 40-80days w/o having me to change the AA batts, or recharge the slim batts. isnt that number impressive?maybe its my logic, but imo i think thats cost effective, in both space,batt efficiency, etc. and how much does my mp3 discman cost? i think it was onli $159(or was it 259, cant remember, it was present anyway). now even if it was 259, its still cheaper than most mp3 players, esp the ipod, mini or not. and based on my needs that the songs i want are able to fit into a disc, this would mean i would not need to change my disc for around 40days min, theorically that is. by far this is the most efficient thing i can think of.

apparently rachel sounded disgusted by my logic. why? she thinks i want the shuffle, etc, all done automatically with me not doing hardwork. hence i quote another eg, where in sch we should study smart, not hard. then shoots back how this year's O lvls were designed to beat those kids who study smart. ytf would anyone want to do that? its not like those who study smart are like cheating, and if u wanna study the WHOLE txtbk and memorise it, i think thats plain stupid. its not like ur gonna apply EVERYTHING u learn anyway, correct? but at the end of the conversation she seemed disgusted and disappointed with my way of thinking. am i wrong? i'm a perfectionist, which means i will find ways to efficient-cise a process, watever the process it maybe.

then later i happened to be joking with her concerning having 'heard' of a 'urban legend' concerning "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". now, keyword here is, JOKING. of coz i've heard of such a phrase, and no i do noe it is not urban legend. she goes on to explain that women are more emotional and that piss them off and they can torture men fo eg, not giving them sex and not do anything physical at all. since i thought she was joking, i just jokingly shot back, that since i'm a snag(Sensitive New Age Guy) and a metreosexual(a hetreosexual male who bothers to take care of his looks and physique, something like that, think brazillian wax) that i'm bound to be just as emotional, which i really am. but that seemed to have annoyed her. later in the train she noticed that i was rather tired, and said that she didnt need me to send her back, but i insisted. then she said she walked alone in the red light district when she was in japan, and nothing happened to her. ok fine, no need to send her back then. and later when i wanted to hold her hand, she pulled her hand back a bit, i thought i missed and went to grab it again and she pulled it behind her. i looked and her questioningly and she gave me that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" look. FINE. 2 CAN PLAY THAT GAME. and about not sending u back? fine. i wont send u back anymore then. u girls think u can always take care of yourself right? go ahead then. i'll just remove that ability out of the whole package. is it so wrong to be nice and gentlemanly and send u back? u wanna play punk right? when u noe my plans already screwed for the day, u still wanna be like this. cant be bothered to say bye to her when i got off at clementi. rushed back home to pen my thoughts, right now. u can forget about me calling u tonight, coz i'm too pissed to care about anything.

2004-11-24T04:10:00.000+08:00

here's my cat again! in another one of those cute positions! notice how human like she mimics! must be all the hanging around with my family, haha!

She's Gone Lyrics

2004-11-22T15:58:00.000+08:00

well, here's the lyrics as promised

She's gone,
Out of my life.
I was wrong,
I'm to blame,
I was so untrue.
I can't live without her love.

In my life
There's just an empty space.
All my dreams are lost,
I'm wasting away.
Forgive me, girl.

(Chorus)

Lady, won't you save me?
My heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me?
For all I've done to you.
Lady, oh, lady.

She's gone,
Out of my life.
Oh, she's gone.
I find it so hard to go on.
I really miss that girl, my love.

Come back into my arms.
I'm so alone,
I'm begging you,
I'm down on my knees.
Forgive me, girl.

(Chorus x2)

Lady, oh, lady.
My heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me?
For all I've done to you.

updated music

2004-11-22T04:26:00.000+08:00

well here's the song ppl. she's gone by steelheart. some old skool hard rock band i think, or was i metal. oh well way before my time i think. anyway jacq has ever mentioned that this song sounds damn Mat. but i dun care, as long as its in eng and its metal, anything goes. sent to me by my first ex, at thought it was cheesy, but the tune and lyrics is nice. a song that ran thru my head over and over again last time when jacq broke up with me. and its happening now again :D. well its temporary as explained in prev post. enjoy the song ppl! will post lyrics tmr or something, no time now, need to sleep, just finish playing 3hrs++ of maple story LOL.

she's gone.... (for nearly a week that is, heh)

2004-11-21T19:35:00.000+08:00

*insert song She's Gone by Steelheart*

maybe i'll put that up later when i get back home. heh
well rachel's gone for the weekend and more. off to japan with her family for holidays on sat evening and wont be back till like, wed afternoon or thurs morning. its onli sunday and i already miss her... T.T

sigh. feel so lonely and empty already. i think i'm addicted to love. not those kind which frens and family can give, but the kind whom that special someone can give.. *fwaps wankers with rolled newspaper* and no i'm not talking about lust and sex. i'm talking about the emotions and feelings. *fwaps wankers again* those in your heart, not the physical ones. i have to elaborate, coz with my rep, everyone thinks i'm a dirty minded mofo who prolly is a playboy and many gfs or sleeps around at least -.-'
(of coz with a gay fren constantly trying to get into my pants, i'm not surprised)

granted i talk a LOT about sex, but that doesnt mean i sleep around -.-'

i'm an honourable fella. call me a mcp(male chauvinist perfectionist) if u want, but i'm no sexist and will never degrade women(unless someone actually tried giving a bad name to the female species) and why a mcp? i'm not saying we men are superior coz i do believe that there are certain things guys can do that women cant, and vice versa. god's fair and the world is in balance, from a certain of view that is. i'm saying that i am chauvinistic about certain things, honour and the need to treat women right, and defend them when the need arises(yes i've been reading too much fantasy/medieval stuff, i AM a hopeless romantic anyway) but this isnt a post about that. and i dun cheat in games, esp in maple story where i see a lot of ppl using game hacks, and best of all, some of my close collegues are using it.
-_-' wtf? oh well i shall not start my self-righteous talk and preach to them on ethics. sleep around? i dun do that, its pointless, its not even half as gd as if done with someone u love.. when the emotional attachement isnt there it feels like crap. i'm sure u wankers noe wat i mean. the one time i ever did something similar, remotely similar even, it screwed the rest of my life. its like karma, once u pull a crazy stunt like that, it'll come full circle to kick u back in the ass one day and serve your ass on a silver platter. well i'm glad to be out of that circle, my karma is over(or so i hope) so as long as i dun pull off anymore crazy stunts, i dun need to worry bout screwing up my life anymore. and as with my 'i'm an honourable person' statement, i'm adamant about uploading such values, from something trivial like gaming, to something important like relationships.

man.. i miss her so much... the emptiness reminds me of my prev break-up with jacq, cept that i'm over that, and this is something temporary. she was supposed to sms me when she reached japan, saying she has activated her auto-roaming on her mobile line, but nothing yet. personally i think maybe she hadnt coz non of my sms got thru to her, not to mention if i were ever to call her, it'll be diverted directly to her voicemail. SIGH.

well do hope that its because her auto-roaming isnt activated that i cant get to her, and coz of a plane crash. that'll suck, then the emptiness will once again become permanent..

well i hope ur doing fine dear... come back to me k? i miss u so much already.. (yeah yeah sputter and die u wankers,go read something else if this is too mushy for u)

Perfectionism, both my blessing and my bane...

Defunct and Derelict

Sick

SEJA @ SHATEC

SEJA

possible communication problems

Major updates

minor updates..

"it's like losing a friend" to manda

This just in..

I think i'm in love..

Lonely Valentine's Day

Going nuts slowly

False Hopes

What will happen..

Yet once again, another turn of events!

Another Turn of Events

switch of music quality & the crazy thing i did

Only One

An end to a Fairy Tale

NS POP and A Turn of Events

NS Life Is Unexpectingly Easy

Something About Jacqueline

My 2nd Last Entry

Got my wallet back!

Lost my wallet

BOO!

New Kamelot song, a band called Half Past 6 and starwars epi3

Last Day in Starhub, Screwy Evening and New Song

Kamelot - Soul Society

I SCORED!

am i going crazy?

The Gods Must Hate me

Ripley's Believe It or Not

Back by popular demand(well not really in demand, but it was a popular topic previously nontheless)

Kamelot - March of Mephisto

Not My Rachel(warning, long post ahead)

Top Few Things A Guy Should Never Do For/To A Gf/Ex-gf

Kamelot - The Haunting (Somewhere in Time)

New Kamelot Song tonight

BOO!

Finally

Pwned!!!111!1

KAMELOT YEAH!

Denied my revenge..

Feature Film Casting Call!

CAT PHOTOS BELOW!

Presenting BreakDown by BeForU!

BREAKDOWN!

Warning, Graphical and Mature updates ahead

Minor Site Redesign

line back up. suicidal thoughts. escorting services for sale

line suspended!

new song

more updates (sigh running out of creative titles..)

updates

first time vday screw up

site updated

Interaction quiz

multiple intelligence test

nothing much to update

what kind of intelligence are you?

What kind of soul are you?

Zero Telorance for Abuse and Cruelty to Cats

My Girlfriend

accurate personality test..

GG!

reflections of the past..

Happy New Year!

nothing to update

my mouth is faster than my brain

biggest blunder @ work so far yet

MD's 1337 |-|4X0R5 101

Warriors 2

reflections of my life

*presses Y on keyboard, types GG! and presses enter* "GG!"

ignore prev post

Fux0red Part(i forgot how many i've been in already)

She's Gone Lyrics

updated music

presses Y on keyboard, types GG! and presses enter "GG!"